


The Pact

by the_deaf_pomegranate



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Abuse, Adulthood, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, Childbirth, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Glimmer (She-Ra) Swears, Human, Human Catra (She-Ra), Implied/Referenced Abuse, Lesbian Adora (She-Ra), Lesbian Catra (She-Ra), Lesbian Sex, Multi, No Lesbians Die, POV Adora (She-Ra), POV Catra (She-Ra), Past Abuse, Pregnancy, Secrets, Surrogacy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:28:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29252253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_deaf_pomegranate/pseuds/the_deaf_pomegranate
Summary: Catra's made a promise to Bow and Glimmer that no-one ever expected her to make - least of all Adora.'She’d tried to avoid thinking too much about what this would be like, watching Catra in pain. It had been so many years since she’d seen Catra suffer, at least so visibly. She braced herself to keep focused in the moment, to not think back to the things she wished neither of them had had to live through. But it was so hard, when Catra’s pain responses still seemed to look exactly the same…'Bright Moon AU set ten years into Catra and Adora's reunion, throwing up all kinds of identity, friendship, love and family questions for the whole gang.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow & Glimmer (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Comments: 84
Kudos: 137





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in over a decade, and the first for this fandom or on AO3 ever - I'd love it if you have feedback or comment to let me know if you'd like more... :) I've got a few chapters planned if people enjoy it!

Catra settled herself down cautiously on the edge of the stool, reaching out to twist the shower dial behind her. She let out a breath of relief that she didn’t even know she was holding as cold water began to trickle over her head, coursing through her curls and soothing the back of her neck. She felt so warm it almost hurt – or at least, it wasn’t making the slow pain spreading from her back feel any less painful. She leaned back, resting her shoulders against the damp wet room tiles, her legs spread as wide as the space would allow while she rubbed circular motions into the side of her stomach.

 _Just to relieve the pain_ , she told herself, pressing the pads of her fingers deeper, _that’s all it is_.

“Babe?”

Catra heard Adora calling from the apartment hallway. She was home quicker than Catra expected – but then again, Adora somehow always seemed to tick to a faster clock than her, and Catra had become so slow over the past few weeks that she’d half forgotten what normal travel times used to be. She crinkled her brow as Adora’s clunky footsteps quickened in the distance – _she must still be wearing her Docs_ \- wincing as another wave of slow, steady pain reached its peak.

“Catra? Everything alright?”

Catra furrowed her brow, channelling all her energy into just getting through the last few seconds… _3, 2, 1_ … She let out a soft moan as the bathroom door creaked open, before it was flung wide, hard wood bouncing off the side of the counter opposite her.

“Oh my God, Catra!”

Adora’s blue eyes were wide, drinking in the sight of her girlfriend perched in the walk-in shower, her stomach shifting slightly as her shoulders tensed. Catra held up a finger in Adora’s face, her eyes still closed as she massaged her belly with her other hand.

“Shoes.”

Adora stopped in her tracks in the door frame, bundled up in her winter coat, and her cheeks red from the cold wind outside.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Catra, is this really the time to worry about–“

Catra snapped her eyes open to stare directly into Adora’s, one eyebrow arching threateningly high.

“Jesus wept.”

Adora muttered under her breath as she hastily shuffled back into the hallway, practically ripping her Doc Martens off and tossing them towards the shoe rack.

“How many minutes?” Adora paused, waiting for a response to her question. “Catra…?”

She shrugged off her coat hastily and threw it onto a hook, barging back into the bathroom.

“Still twenty-ish. I doubt there’ll be any excitement for a while.”

Adora’s stance softened as Catra nudged her head towards the sink – she’d become obsessive about handwashing ever since they’d gone to Scorpia’s twins’ birthday party a couple of months ago and norovirus had ripped through the guests over the following days. It was only in the past couple of weeks or so that Catra had suddenly become just as insistent on it.

“Please tell me you haven’t just left your Docs in the middle of the hallway ready for you to trip over.”

Adora caught Catra’s smirk in the mirror, pretending she didn’t catch her studying the way Adora scrubbed her skin with the foamy soap between the fingers, across the backs of her hands, under her fingernails. She dried her hands on a clean towel, resting it on the radiator as she knelt down in front of her girlfriend.

“The student has become the master, eh?”

“Well, it only took four years of living with you to pick up your neat freak.” Catra stuck her tongue out at Adora mischievously. “Besides, I just want to keep everything clean in case–”

Adora shook her head, resting her elbows on Catra’s knees as her chin bumped on Catra’s stretched abdomen. Catra shivered at the touch of Adora’s face on her skin, icy from the outdoors.

“I know. And we won’t let that happen.”

“You’re cold.” She looked at Adora, the drops of water from the shower spreading damp pools on her shirt. “And you’re getting your clothes wet.”

Adora smiled, standing up and bending down to kiss Catra tenderly, cupping her cheek in her hand. She peeled her wet shirt over her head and tugged off her jeans and underwear, bundling them both into the nearby laundry hamper.

“Problem solved.”

Adora grinned as she came back to Catra, increasing the pressure of the shower slightly and weaving her fingers through Catra’s damp hair to massage her scalp.

“Mmm, I like your problem solving but I’m not sure how practical it is right now, Adora.”

Adora chuckled.

“I dunno, this seems pretty practical right now to me.”

Catra tapped her fingers on her belly, pushing where she’d felt movement just a second ago.

“Well, I’m pretty sure Glimmer and Bow are going to get here any minute, so unless you wanna answer the door naked…”

Adora gasped, her fingers freezing against Catra’s scalp.

“Shit! Do you – _don’t say need, Adora_ \- **want** a hand getting dressed?”

Catra sighed heavily, nudging her head back into Adora’s hands, silently seeking further relief even though she knew they couldn’t carry on like this for long. She stayed quiet for another few moments, relishing the pressure of the cold tile against her shoulder and the feeling of Adora massaging her roots over and over again, just like when they were kids and helped wash each other’s hair in the school showers after swimming lessons, suds running down their swimming costumes. She blinked the memories away – they’d come so far since then.

“Honestly, this child is a fucking inferno… I’m not gonna survive this if I can’t keep cool.” Catra sensed Adora tensing at her words; she gulped guiltily, knowing full well that Adora was over-aware of the copious potential could-go-wrongs that the coming hours, _days really_ , could bring. She cleared her throat, pushing the discomfort in her brain away. “Anyway, it’s not as if they’re not going to see everything eventually, is it?”

Adora’s voice shook a little. “I guess… But Catra - remember this bit is all on your terms, yeah? You need more time here when they arrive, they can wait a little longer, ok?”

Catra nodded silently. They stayed there for a few minutes longer, Catra humming under her breath as the cool water riveted down her shoulders, chest and over her swollen belly. Eventually Adora stilled her fingers, shivering a little – if she was completely honest, she had never needed the cold shower in the first place and wouldn’t have put herself through this chill under almost any other circumstances – and leaned down to press a kiss to Catra’s shoulder, her hand resting on top of Catra’s thigh.

“I’m gonna get dried up, but I’ll be just next door, okay?”

It happened faster than Adora even realised - Catra’s fingers clenched around hers sharply, her entire demeanour changing in a split second as Adora stopped in place. Catra knitted her eyebrows together, pressing her lips into a thin line. Adora caught her breath in her throat. She’d tried to avoid thinking too much about what this would be like, watching Catra in pain. It had been so many years since she’d seen Catra suffer, at least so visibly. She braced herself to keep focused in the moment, to not think back to the things she wished neither of them had had to live through. But it was so hard when Catra’s pain responses still seemed to look exactly the same…

  
She caught herself just in time, before the spiral could start to come to full fruition. She grounded herself, focusing on the things she could see right in front of her: _the baby hairs on Catra’s hairline, the tiny droplets of cold water gathering in the hollows of her collarbones, the edge of Catra’s oddly sharp incisors pressing down on her lower lip._

“Another one? That must be way less than twenty since the last, surely?”

Catra grunted, her breath evening out as she inhaled and exhaled slowly. Adora waited until the tension drained from Catra’s body and moved her thumb gently over Catra’s cheek as she straightened up to leave.

“I’ll set the stopwatch on my phone as I’m getting dressed, okay? Shout if I’m not back before the next one.”

Catra squeezed Adora’s fingers gratefully and leaned back on the tiles as her girlfriend left the room, letting the full length of her back stick against the wall as she resumed running her palms in soothing circles across her heavy lower belly. She was starting to feel really nervous but she didn’t want Adora to know that, not yet. Not when she could read Adora like a simple children’s book, her anxiety bubbling through even when she tried so incredibly hard to hide it. What’s worse, Catra knew the threshold of worry surrounding her was only about to quadruple to the max as soon as Glimmer and Bow arrived. It wasn’t worth thinking about right now.

Taking another deep breath, Catra inched her fingers down below her belly as far as she could reach to see what dilation she could feel. She knew she was further along than she was letting on. She’d only gotten into this shower in the first place once she’d started to feel a warm trickle of liquid sink into her underwear over the last hour, slow and inconsistent. But the last year had been so surreal that Catra didn’t really want to face up to it – once this bit was all over, once she’d given birth… _that thought was so bizarre as well, that she was about to give birth of all things_ … then she wasn’t sure what that would mean next, for her and Adora, or Glimmer and Bow, even their wider friendship circle. They were right on the precipice of big change, and even though they had a rock solid plan, an actual contract (!) they’d all discussed at _agonizing_ length and signed, she couldn’t imagine through the past few weeks’ haze of hormones and soreness just quite how it was all going to pan out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit, the writing bug came back quickly!
> 
> A little bit of context, and the first teasers of backstory coming up here... more is on its way (probably sooner than it should be given how many work *huge* deadlines I have this week)!
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think!!

Adora stared at herself in the mirror, willing herself to swallow the sore lump of stifled tears that had balled up in her throat. She grimaced at how bloodshot her eyes were, bringing the backs of her hands up to her face to rub at them.

_Now is not the time, Adora. Pull your shit together._

She straightened herself up, twisting the lid off Catra’s moisturiser and scooping out a pea-sized blob with her index finger. She didn’t usually dip into Catra’s toiletries, but Adora wanted so desperately to feel close to her - the moisturiser wasn’t even perfumed but somehow the non-descript scent always reminded Adora distinctly of her. She rubbed it between her fingertips, smoothing the cream over the ink of a tiny blue and yellow flower on the inside of her wrist and along her left bikini line.

Adora tugged on her clothes hastily, sliding a pack of antiseptic wipes under the tight waistband of her joggers and pulling out an outfit for Catra that she’d overheard her murmur aloud would be comfortable. Adora caught a glimpse of the stopwatch on her phone on the bed. _Four minutes and fifty three seconds_. She inhaled deeply through her nostrils, pushing the bulge in her throat back down again as she sighed in gratitude that she hadn’t heard anything from the bathroom yet. They’d all known this moment would come but Adora just didn’t feel ready to be in the thick of it – that is, if they weren’t already. This whole set-up just wasn’t how she ever imagined experiencing… what? Pregnancy, parenthood, birth? Any, none and all of the above?

Adora could barely hold back a short bitter laugh, remembering yet again that her best friends managed to get the love of her life pregnant before she could. She hummed to herself for a second, brow drawn down as she got lost in thought. But the familiar wrap of a long, silky tail around her right calf nudged her out of it. Melog. Their compromise.

Adora had always wanted a big family. She and Catra had been surrounded by other kids in the children’s home but she often felt lonely when everyone had drifted off to chat with their chosen friends. Maybe it was because she was so extroverted and the buzz of having people around her made her feel so energised that the loss of it felt even more profound. Her therapist suggested once that it might also be a desire for proactive fortification – building a stronghold of love and attention around herself with a group of kids that were dependent on her. Finally, a love that would be truly unconditional; one that she could devote her entire life towards, and no-one could ever doubt how much warmth and protection she had to give.

But Catra had always been honest with Adora. She didn’t want kids. Not now, not ever. And deep down, Adora knew she never should have expected otherwise.

When Adora had been fostered and later adopted in their pre-teens, Catra found herself without an ally amongst all the others. The two of them had still hung out every day at school and stayed in touch throughout college – _well, apart from those last rocky few months_ – but the dynamic had shifted irreversibly. Adora could see it clear as day from Catra’s perspective (not that she’d ever expressed it out loud to her): the lively blonde with the promising talent for long-distance running found her forever home and the ethnically ambiguous kid with the unruly curls and the slightly alarming Catan obsession hadn’t. They didn’t talk about it much, but she could see the goosebumps rise up on Catra’s forearms every time they drove past their old neighbourhood – they still nicknamed it the Fright Zone – on their way to visit Adora’s adoptive parents.

A year into their official romance, Catra had laid out the choice for Adora pretty fairly. If kids were the tie-breaker, they could recover a friendship after some necessary time-out. But Adora could see the grief and resignation in Catra’s eyes already – _please, just stay_ – and honestly? How could Adora ever choose a life with someone else, even an epic future love that was yet to exist, over _Catra_?

So thanks to an unspoken trade-off, they’d gotten Melog, an older cat who would never have found his way out the pound. They’d gone to the animal shelter hoping to get a dog; Adora had always wanted a Samoyed and Perfuma had tipped them off that she’d seen one being taken in while opening up her adjacent plant shop that day. They hurried over in their lunch breaks – Catra had even cleared her calendar for the afternoon to get the dog settled in at home (unlike Adora, she could ask her assistant to push all her meetings last minute) – but once they’d arrived, Adora had fallen completely in love with the cat. It only took that one afternoon while Adora finished up with her patients for Melog and Catra to become so deeply attached to one another that she often forgot that Catra didn’t really want a pet in the first place.

She dropped down to stroke Melog’s soft fur, letting his head nuzzle into her hand before grabbing her phone off the bed.

_Six minutes, thirty eight seconds._

The doorbell rang – she locked the screen of her phone and shoved it in her pocket, making her way briskly down the apartment hallway and kicking her boots out of the way and to the side as she stormed past. She hadn’t even reached the intercom when it buzzed again impatiently.

“Fuck’s sake,” she muttered to herself, straightening her shoulders as she pressed down on the keypad to open up the entrance doors. She never used to swear this much.

Adora pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the timings, wiping it down with an antiseptic wipe. She knew it wasn’t long until she’d become the fourth wheel and she never really felt confident knowing what to do with herself in the group anymore. She called out to Catra, trying to ignore the niggling feeling that she was somehow scrambling to save moments that were just between the two of them.

“They’re on their way up, love. You doing okay?”

A distant acknowledgment drifted out the bathroom. Adora nearly set off to check on her girlfriend properly but there was already a banging at the door beside her. Adora willed the tension out of her body and opened the door.

_You’ve done it a million times. Game face on._

Bow and Glimmer stood on the other side, teeming with anxious anticipation, their coats and shoes already shucked off and in their hands - they were far too familiar with the house rules by now. She stepped back into the hallway, letting them into the apartment and accepting a group hug.

“How is she?” Glimmer’s frosty, wind-swept bob tickled her neck as they broke apart. Adora took their coats from them and hung them up while they set their shoes by the wall. Adora straightened hers beside theirs as well, realising that Catra wouldn't be too impressed by the sloppiness of her Docs - and there was no way she wouldn't notice, even given the circumstances. 

“Good, just having a quick shower. How are you guys doing?”

“Agh! I don’t even know how to feel!” Glimmer spluttered, almost incomprehensibly. Bow grasped Glimmer’s hand tightly. It was clear that emotions were running even higher than Adora had expected – given her work and her long friendship with them both, she had no idea why she hadn’t foreseen it.

A low cry of pain tore down the hall. Bow and Glimmer’s heads shot up, their eyes darting over to the half-open door. Adora rushed down the hallway, double-checking her phone again in disbelief.

_Barely eight minutes?_

Adora tried to hide her concern as she slipped through the door, gently closing the opening to give Catra some privacy. She glanced back at Bow and Glimmer as she washed her hands again briskly – they’d followed so closely behind her it almost felt like a conga line.

“Let her get dressed, we’ll be out in a minute.”

Adora could see that Glimmer was about to object but Bow had squeezed her fingers again and she’d slunk back into his side, biting her lip.

Adora leaned over Catra to turn the shower off and crouched in front of her. She rested her hands on top of Catra’s, whose fingernails dug into her knees as heavy vibrations started to tail off from the back of her throat. 

Adora lifted Catra’s knuckles towards her as the contraction ended, pressing her lips softly to them as the muscles in her girlfriend’s fingers started to relax. She ignored the tiny crescent bruises peppered across Catra’s legs that she’d somehow missed earlier. Catra winced slightly as her other hand brushed over the purpling indents. Adora knew better than to bring up the fact that she’d told her over and over again not to bother getting her gel extensions redone this week.

“How are they this strong already?” Catra struggled to regain her breath control for a second, the words falling out jaggedly.

Adora stroked Catra’s knuckle with her thumb.

“I suspect that might be because they’re a lot closer together than 20 minutes, huh?” Adora whispered quietly, not wanting to give her eager friends outside any ammunition to rush in. “They’re lasting longer as well?”

Catra gave Adora a guilty smile as she watched her reset the stopwatch – she knew she’d been rumbled. Adora placed a hand on the side of Catra’s belly, reaching up to meet her lips to let her know she was still on her side.

“Adora…” Catra’s voice faltered, dipping to barely audible. “I tried to feel it before, but… can you check how dilated I am?”

Adora nodded, kissing her again briefly and crouching back onto her heels. 

“Wait!” A voice rang out through the door – Adora’s eyes flashed back up to meet Catra’s mismatched ones. Glimmer hesitated, and they could almost hear her nervousness fizzle through the air. “Could I maybe do that?”

_How could she possibly hear us?_

Adora sighed, eyes narrowing as she dropped Catra’s gaze and rallied herself to let her friend down gently.

“Glim-“

But Catra’s voice rang out over hers before she could even start.

“Of course, Glimmer. Just give me a sec, yeah?”

“You sure?” Adora forgot to stay quiet, utterly failing to hide her surprise.

_I am the expert here, remember?_

“It’s her kid, babe.”

Catra's real point remained unspoken - _how else am I supposed to help her feel a part of this?_

Adora gulped. “I know.”

Catra squeezed her fingers. “I know you do.” She paused for a second. “Can you…?” She gestured over to the towel rack.

Adora knew this was the closest Catra ever got to explicitly asking for help. She pushed herself off the floor and swiped the towel off the rack, gently wrapping it around Catra’s shoulders so she could dry the water off her upper half herself. Adora plucked out a smaller hand towel and started on Catra’s legs, knowing she would hate to admit that she couldn't bend over to do it herself. When they were done, Adora stood up again to dump Catra’s used towels in their laundry hamper – _damn, it was getting full quickly_ – and fished Catra’s oversized Nirvana t-shirt off the hook where she’d left it, tossing it over to her.

Adora paused, watching Catra jerk it over her head and twist her damp curls into a ponytail. She leaned over without question, pulling the hair band out her own hair to pass it over to Catra. Catra smiled at her, taking the band and biting it between her teeth as she finished gathering her hair up, nodding her head towards the door.

Adora cleared her throat, pulling on the doorknob.

“Let me get out the way so you have some space, hmm? The gloves are under the sink.”

Glimmer’s eyes caught hers, crinkling at the edges with gratitude. Bow pulled Adora in for another hug as she joined him in the hallway and she exhaled forcefully in relief while she listened out for the sound of water running and soap squidging between fingers. It had been a long time since she and Bow had a moment alone – and she knew that was mainly her fault. She berated herself for all of it: becoming so distant; visibly zoning out of all the baby conversations; the overwhelming protectiveness over Catra she felt powerless to resist.

As the feeling of Bow’s arms squeezing her torso grounded her, Adora balked at how she could almost burst with the love and admiration that her girlfriend could do something so incredible for their dearest friends, while being simultaneously driven mad by the crushing feeling that even though she’d agreed to it multiple times over, nothing about this situation felt fair at all. _When on earth did Catra become the level-headed one between the two of us?_

A loud, sharp laugh jolted Adora out of her thoughts – she and Bow stepped back, their heads cocked in question towards the open bathroom door.

“Do you really have a tattoo of a fucking VIKING SWORD on your bikini line, Catra?!”

Adora blushed in crimson as she stepped back from Bow, knowing what would come next.

“Psshht, Sparkles. I only got it cos Adora insisted I match hers.”

Adora cringed before Glimmer’s cackle even started.

“Oh my God! This is the best day ever.”

Catra snorted. “If that’s all I needed to do to cheer you up, you could’ve told me a hell of a lot sooner.”

Adora didn’t wait to hear the rest of it.

She made her way into their living room, beckoning Bow to follow her to the couch as Melog jumped onto her lap.

“Mind if I put these in the fridge?”

Adora glanced up at Bow, eyebrows arching at the six pack of Amundsen Brewery in his hand. It was Catra’s absolute favourite craft brand, which to her distress was almost impossible to hunt down.

“I thought it might be good for you guys at some point.”

Adora smiled at him, nudging her head towards the refrigerator behind Bow in their open plan kitchen-lounge. She’d forgotten how thoughtful he could be sometimes.

“You must have good contacts in the Norwegian black market to get your hands on them.”

Bow swung the fridge door shut and collapsed next to Adora on the sofa.

“Something like that,” he smirked. “How’s everyone’s favourite OBGYN?”

Adora blinked at Bow in surprise. She thought back to what Catra implied earlier. 

“Oh, don’t worry about me – this is your moment, Bow. You guys have waited so long for this! After everything Glimmer’s dealt with… she deserves to have all the focus on her.”

Bow hesitated for a moment, reaching over to stroke the end of Melog’s tail. Adora knew she’d brought up the sore point they usually avoided at length. She could see him formulating some kind of response in his mind and Adora really didn’t want to know where this could go next. She decided to steer the conversation in a different direction before it got too emotional, too much to bear.

“I’m just gonna wait here until we inevitably find out that I actually do have to go in there and examine Catra properly, ” Adora wiggled her phone in front of Bow, stopwatch still on display, “cause if all these years on wards has taught me anything, it’s that we’ll have to be on our way in to hospital sooner than she’d like to think.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, we'll get closer to how this whole arrangement came together...


	3. Chapter 3

Glimmer’s eyes narrowed as she stared Adora down, gripping a 7kg dumbbell in each hand.

“Don’t even try it, Adora.”

She pushed past her friend, settling on the edge of the closest bench and rolling her shoulder blades back, knitting her muscles together in the centre of her upper back. She brought her arms up simultaneously, purposefully watching her form in the mirror opposite to avoid Adora’s eye contact.

“Whoa, don’t you usually go down a couple of kilograms for this one?”

Glimmer set her jaw in stone as she glared straight ahead, lowering the weights steadily to her shoulders.

_If Adora ticks me off one more time…_

She drove her arms above her head for the fourth time, her elbows wobbling more than they should. Maybe she should have stuck to her usual 5kg after all.

“I didn’t realise you were coming along today to discuss my personal training plan.” Glimmer practically spat her words out.

Adora shifted from foot to foot anxiously, pursing her lips as she watched her friend carry on with the set, clearly ready to jump in at any minute lest Glimmer’s arms give in.

“Look Glim, I just… I’m not sure how to explain it.”

“You could start with: ‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and now you’re in deep shit thanks to my little friend.’” Glimmer grunted as she spoke, straining to get the last couple of reps done. “Who, by the way, was _clearly_ never going to stick around.”

Now it was Adora’s turn to bristle.

“I’ve told you, Glimmer. There’s something else going on with her, and I don’t know what it is but-“

Glimmer screeched in irritation, finally giving up on her set and resting the dumbbells on her thighs.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on – she’s a fucking drug addict and a thief, and she _wants_ to be left alone with that gross guy, ok?” Glimmer forged ahead, ignoring the twinge of hurt she saw in Adora eyes. “I should never have let you have your way.”

“Have my way? Are you freaking kidding me?” Adora scoffed as Glimmer scowled at her in the mirror, “This coming from boss bitch of the century!”

“Was that supposed to be an insult?”

Adora hesitated, biting her lip. “Yes…?”

Glimmer flared her nostrils.

“Well, I’m not going to be a boss bitch much longer now that I’m about to lose my job. I could press charges!”

Adora wrung her wrists guiltily, her entire demeanour deflating.

“I’m really sorry, Glim. I don’t know what else I can do.”

Glimmer turned round to look Adora straight in the eye.

“Stop looking for her. She doesn’t want you to fix her.”

“What?”

Glimmer paused. She didn’t like the change in dynamics that had upturned their nice, safe little apartment the minute that Adora’s old school friend turned up. It had brought up so many uncomfortable feelings, pangs of jealousy she thought she’d grown out of in her teens. But it had hurt, suddenly playing second string in her most important friendship.

_What’s so special about this girl anyway?_

Glimmer got up from the bench, passing Adora again to haul her dumbbells back to the rack. She knew this conversation would go far better if she could just calm down – the whole situation was unmistakably rough on her friend - but when something _really_ got under Glimmer’s skin, any attempt at controlling her mounting emotions felt futile.

Glimmer turned around to face Adora front-on, ignoring the disgruntled looks they were attracting from the gym-goers around them.

“It’s one thing finding an old friend in a dodgy bar and inviting them home for a quick drink, but I didn’t sign up for running Adora Gray’s rescue/rehab program.”

Adora was more self-conscious – her voice came out in a strangled whisper as she stepped closer towards Glimmer, the tips of her ears reddening.

“I didn’t have a choice! What was I supposed to do?”

Glimmer let out a short, sharp bark of laughter. Adora’s outrageous sense of obligation frequently drove her round the bend.

“Have a little chat about ‘the good old days’ like you pretend you give a shit and fuck off like everyone else on the planet!”

Adora looked completely dumbfounded.

“If this whole situation can drum anything into you, it’s that nine out of ten people do not want a saviour.”

Adora seemed like she was about to cry, her eyes focused a little too intensely on the mottled rubber floor. Glimmer shoved her earphones in, realising she might have pushed Adora too far. It had been a tough enough week as it was.

“Just… next time you want to bring strays off the street home, you better do a bloody risk assessment.”

* * *

“Double chocolate or peanut butter?”

Adora held up two bags of homemade cookies excitedly in front of Glimmer, practically jumping onto the couch beside her.

“That’s a really stupid question, Adora,” Glimmer took the bag of peanut butter cookies from Adora, zipping open the plastic seal, “Haven’t I taught you better by now?”

Adora laughed, pressing play on the TV remote and opening the bag she held as well.

“Fuck me,” Glimmer’s mouth fell open, half a chewed cookie on display, “these are _really_ good.” She licked her lips, chewing further. “Like no offence, but when you baked at our old place, I could never tell if it was meant to be edible.”

“Hey!” Adora shoved Glimmer playfully, “What about my lemon meringue pie? You even took that home to your mum!”

“Yeah, so I could throw it away without upsetting you.”

Glimmer giggled, dodging the slap Adora aimed at her shoulder and sneaking a chocolate cookie out the bag her friend was holding.

“Seriously though, what gives? Tell me you’re not auditioning for Bake Off…” Adora rolled her eyes – it was a long-time inside joke that she was too competitive for her boots and would spend an unreasonable number of hours honing a skill if she found a competition she thought she’d have a shot at. “You’d prob get on with these though. Damn, girl.”

Adora cleared her throat nervously.

“Catra kind of made them, actually.” Glimmer’s nose twitched, her grip on the bag of cookies loosening, “it’s really sweet of her, was all her own idea. She was going to give them to Bow for you tonight but when I said I was coming over anyway-“

“I don’t get why they’re hanging out.”

Adora took a second to take a sip of tea. She kicked herself mentally for slipping; she knew that Catra and Bow’s growing friendship wasn’t good conversation fodder with Glimmer. And the point of this whole evening was to keep Glimmer’s mood _up_ , not to drag it back down to bottom again.

“I think they both just like having someone who appreciates a good craft ale.”

The first time Catra mentioned she’d bumped into Bow picking up beers from a nearby microbrewery she rated, Adora hadn’t thought much of it. But over the past few months, Bow and Catra had met on an almost weekly basis, checking out the pick of the week at a local bar or even driving out to meet a local brewer. She’d been so relieved to see Catra start to build a network outside of just her – after all, Catra had had to start from zero since that one fateful night, her entire life turned upside down in mere hours. It was one of those things that left a permanent break in the timeline of your life: before Prime and after.

By now, it had been nine months since Catra cautiously agreed to stay with Adora for a couple of weeks while she got back on her feet. But Adora always found an excuse to convince Catra to stay: _there’s no point paying rent in Bright Moon, it’s extortionate round here_ ; _the spare room’s just gonna sit empty otherwise; who’ll stop me from eating crap every time I get home from a night shift?_

The real reason hung silently in the air around them: Adora was petrified Catra would go off the grid again. She couldn’t take another two or three years of wondering every day whether she was alive or dead in a ditch.

Yet since Catra started hanging out with Bow, she'd started to open up, relax. She’d even reached out to a few old friends that Adora remembered vaguely from university – Scorpia, who had been her first year roommate, and her digital engineering classmate Entrapta, with whom Catra had always seemed to be coming up with some hair-brained tech idea that Adora never even attempted to try and understand. By some kind of magic, Adora didn’t feel so much like they were tiptoeing around each other in her small apartment, though she’d started to grow self-conscious at the odd time she'd caught Catra watching her studiously, her eyes flicking away as soon as she caught her, dark curls falling across her face conveniently.

Glimmer’s sharp inhale jerked Adora out of her thoughts.

“I thought drug addicts were supposed to avoid alcohol.”

Adora sniffed in response.

“She’s not an addict. You know that test was just in the terms of her immunity deal.”

Glimmer raised an eyebrow. “If the shoe fits…”

“For God’s sake, Glimmer! I know she’s not your favourite person, but you know just as well as I do that Catra’s been through more shit than any of us, and _you’ve_ probably taken more drugs than she has!”

“More shit than any of us, eh?”

Adora gulped.

“Glim… I’m sorry, I was being stupid.”

“Forget about it.”

Glimmer wrinkled her nose and she turned towards the television, drawing her warm blanket tighter around her.

Adora rubbed at her forehead. She always managed to put her foot in. They sat in silence for a while longer, the colourful light from the TV casting shadows on her faces. Adora felt Glimmer shuffle beside her, stifling her sniffles.

She glanced over, edging closer to wipe the tears gently off Glimmer’s face with the sleeve of her hoodie. Glimmer shifted, letting Adora curl into her side and grasp her hand. She spoke in such a tiny voice that Adora could barely hear her.

“I just don’t like the idea that this insanely hot, mysterious crim girl is spending so much time with my fiancé.”

Adora shushed her, ignoring the partial jibe. “Come on, Glim, Bow would never.”

_Besides, I’m not entirely sure anymore that Catra is even straight. Or is that just wishful thinking?_

“He should. Why would anyone even want to be with me now?”

Adora squeezed their fingers together even tighter.

“Anyone would be beyond lucky to be with you. Besides, you have options. And I can set up a referral for you if or whenever you’re ready.”

She heard Glimmer cough, suppressing a sob.

It had been strange timing, only a couple of weeks after Catra had come back into her life. She’d just changed out of her scrubs, freeing her hair from the tight bun it had been tied up in all afternoon in surgery. She was only in her second year of specialised obs and gynae work, and that day she’d had to assist on a pretty complicated case. All Adora had wanted was to collapse on the sofa with Catra and watch some of the old cartoons they liked as kids (that is, if Catra would go along with it).

She’d pushed through the staff locker room door, swinging her rucksack over her shoulder, only to find Bow sitting in the waiting room with his head in his hands.

“Bow? What are you doing here?”

He’d looked up, the worry evident in wrinkles that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere on his face.

“They took her into surgery.”

Adora’s stomach had flipped in the worst possible way. She’d dropped into the seat next to Bow, a reassuring hand – for her or for him, she wasn’t sure – placed on his back. She’d known better than to ask questions; he’d talk when he was ready.

“I didn’t even know she was pregnant.”

 _Pregnant?_ Adora had been pretty sure Glimmer couldn’t have known either – surely she’d have said something? They’d gone out for dinner just two nights before.

Some time later, Adora had told Bow she’d get them some of the good coffee from the staff room. She’d known it wasn’t a good idea but she couldn’t stop herself from checking out the theatre boards on her way, scouring it desperately until she found Glimmer's name.

_Theatre 4 – emergency hysterectomy._

Adora had wanted so badly to read Glimmer’s full medical notes – she had access after all – but she’d forced herself to go and make the coffee, willing her hands to stop shaking as hot liquid slipped over the rims of the mugs as she carried them back to the waiting room.

She'd waited until Glimmer had been discharged to press for the full story.

Catra had insisted Adora go and stay with them for a few days, assuring her that she’d cope alone in the apartment even if her nightmares kept her up (as if there were any chance that they wouldn’t). It hadn’t sat well with Adora to leave her alone, but the facts were clear as day: she had to learn to trust Catra, and it had certainly made both Bow and herself feel better knowing there was a qualified doctor around to watch over Glimmer.

It had been odd to hear medical terminology come out of Glimmer’s mouth – the words had sounded strange, made-up somehow in her voice.

_Ruptured intramural ectopic pregnancy._

Just as Adora suspected, Glimmer hadn’t a clue she was nine weeks along; she’d only gone to the hospital for a routine cervical smear. And to make it worse, they'd discovered a tumour on her left ovary during her six-month post-surgical follow up. 

Nestled into Glimmer on the sofa, Adora leaned forward to turn down the sound on the TV. Even with all her training, Adora still didn’t always know what to say. But then again, it was different when the patient was a person you loved.

She tugged on Glimmer’s hand, prompting her to turn her face so their eyes could meet.

“I don’t know what the future holds, Glimmer, but I promise – if there’s anyone who has the strength and determination to go after what they want, it’s you… And you know I’d do anything I could to help.”

* * *

Adora practically slammed the front door behind her, not really processing the effects of bewilderment spreading across her body.

Catra didn’t even turn back to look, she just hung her coat up wearily and wandered into the lounge, her hand snaking through her hair.

Adora didn’t know what was going on with her. She followed Catra, finding her pulling two beers out of the fridge, tapping the caps off on the edge of the kitchen counter. Adora didn’t usually drink the night before a long shift but she really needed something to take the edge off, stat.

“Where on earth did that come from, Catra?”

They’d just been out for dinner with Bow and Glimmer – it had only taken five years of Catra staying in Bright Moon and four years of them dating for Glimmer to finally accept her fully into their group – and their friends had disclosed that they’d decided to find a surrogate to carry the embryos they’d frozen before Glimmer's first round of cancer treatment.

Adora had been about to congratulate them; her mind was already brimming with excitement, a million ideas erupting in her head about how she could advise them on what the process might be like when it came to hospital visits and the birth, or protections they might want to put in place based on the experience of families she’d treated. But Catra had surprised them all before Adora had even begun to open her mouth.

“Let me do it for you.”

Needless to say, no one had really known what to say for the rest of dinner.

Adora set her phone down on the counter and took the beer from Catra, one eye trained beadily on her girlfriend as she took her first swig.

Catra stayed quiet for a minute. She opened her mouth to speak just as Adora’s phone began to buzz, Glimmer’s photo flashing on the screen.

“Take it.”

Adora set her beer down as Catra turned around to lean her lower back on the edge of the counter, facing away from Adora while she nursed her own bottle. 

Adora swiped her phone and made her way into Catra’s home office, accepting the call as soon as she shut the door behind her.

“A-Adora?”

She couldn’t think of a time when Glimmer had spoken to her with such trepidation.

“Long time, no speak, Glim.”

She heard Glimmer inhale sharply. A few minutes of small talk, before Glimmer couldn’t bear it any longer and got straight to it.

“Is she being serious?”

“I don’t know. We just got home.”

“Right.” Another pause. “Sorry.”

Adora leaned back in Catra’s desk chair, her phone balanced precariously between her ear and the curve of her shoulder while she massaged her temples with both hands. She was about to make her apologies and hang up when Glimmer dropped her next question.

“Would you be okay with it?”

It wasn’t so much that Adora didn’t know what to say to Glimmer as much as her thoughts had gone completely and utterly blank.

 _ Am _ _I okay with this?_

Almost every instinct in Adora’s body was screaming at her to say no, but she couldn’t shake the memory in her head. She’d promised Glimmer, multiple times over, that she’d always be there for her, that she’d do whatever she could to help when the time came.

She let out a deep breath.

“I need to talk to her.”

“Yeah,” _How could she fit so much disappointment into one syllable? “_ Of course you do.”

“Speak soon, okay?”

Adora hung up before Glimmer even had time to say her goodbyes. She turned her phone off, leaving it on Catra’s desk before returning to the living room. Catra was sprawled on the sofa, her feet on the coffee table next to Adora’s beer, which she’d brought over for her.

“So.”

“So.” Catra echoed Adora’s speech.

She swung her feet off the coffee table and stretched out on the sofa, passing Adora her beer before laying her head down on her girlfriend’s lap. Adora ran her hand through Catra’s hair, twisting ringlets around her fingers.

“Did you mean it?”

A short silence.

“Yeah. Like, I need some more time to think about it properly – and obviously, we need to…” Catra’s voice tailed off as she swayed her fingers back and forth between them, “It has to be a decision we make together. But I just… I really feel like it would be something so _good_ , you know?”

Adora could hear the subtext clear as day. _I could be something so good._

“Hmm. It would be.”

They sat like that for a while in the quiet, processing their thoughts individually. Eventually Catra spoke up.

“What’s going on in that dumb old head of yours? You’re usually Miss External Processor #1.”

Adora sighed, nudging Catra to lie prone on her lap, their eyes staring straight into one another’s.

“It would be the most incredible thing you could do for them, love.”

Adora hesitated, and Catra noticed.

“Be honest.”

“It’s just…” Catra waited patiently for Adora to gather her thoughts. She tried to put the words together diplomatically, but in the end they fell out in one big heap. “I can’t help but feel like this is some kind of redemption thing for you.”

“Adora-“

“You've spent so much time trying to prove how good you are over the years that you've forgotten how to stop. But fuck me, Catra, you are so incredibly _good_."

Catra’s eyes shimmered for a second before she blinked her emotions back, bringing a hand up to caress Adora’s cheek.

"Is that a compliment or a command?"

Catra let out an almighty cackle as Adora rolled her eyes to the heavens. She slapped Catra’s hand away from her cheek playfully.

"Sometimes I have no idea what I did to deserve your nasty self.”

Catra raised herself up, closing the gap between them and teasing Adora’s bottom lip between her teeth lightly.

“Hmm, me neither.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back into Catra's psyche now, as well as some further exploration of Adora's POV!

“Fuck, I’m go-”

Catra gagged, the dry heave jolting her entire body. She felt a cool hand settle on her upper arm just as she jerked over again; thankfully someone had shoved a cardboard bedpan into her hands just in time. Catra panted, wiping acrid dregs off her lips with the back of her hand.

“This is normal, right?”

She groaned internally at Glimmer’s question, which she seemed committed to repeating on a far-too frequent basis for Catra’s liking. She let her aching body fall back against the scratchy pillows, her nose wrinkling at the stagnant smell of antiseptic and sour vomit. She’d hoped that it would fade as she got used to it, but three hours in, it was just as strong as when they’d arrived.

She closed her eyes, just as the next band of pain began to tighten around her. So far, she’d largely avoided being on her back during contractions – they were much easier to deal with when she was upright or on all fours. _Just my luck._

They’d started coming every few minutes now, and each one seemed to sap her energy even further than the one before. Her limbs were limp and shaky beyond belief – she could bet money on the odds that she’d faint when this one was over.

All she wanted to do was collapse, give into the ugly tears she’d been trying so hard to hold back, and curl up in her and Adora’s bed back home; be anywhere but here, anywhere away from the horrific pressure of delivering this child safely to its parents.

She scolded herself for thinking this bit would be so simple – sure, she didn’t expect it to be all shits and giggles, but _my God,_ she was so hyperaware of every reaction Bow and Glimmer had to her labour. And even though she knew her friends would be distraught if they had any idea, Catra almost felt like she was a lab rat in a cage, being prodded and poked and monitored to ensure she met her objectives.

Staying strong for them – making sure that they didn’t see her tremble, that they knew that she _had_ this, that she wouldn’t let them down – was taking a toll on her she hadn’t foreseen. She’d let Glimmer rub lemon oil into the soft skin of her wrists, along her jawline and on her temples. She sipped water every time Bow prompted, even managing a grateful smile to encourage him. She even agreed _with enthusiasm_ to the ridiculous playlist the two of them had created.

But worst of all – even worse than the exasperating flute meditation music that was currently ruining her day – was the fact that Adora wasn’t even here.

Her girlfriend had excused herself, citing that it would be best to give Bow and Glimmer some space while she looked for something Catra could eat to keep her strength up. Somehow, she’d been gone for over an hour, and Catra could feel the incessant pressure of the head moving lower and lower, stronger and stronger, and she’d so much rather Adora be here when the time to push came – it wouldn’t be long, she could just _tell_ – than the infuriating locum who kept referring to her as the mother.

All it took was a few minutes of letting herself wonder _where the hell Adora could possibly be_ for her mental resolve to come crashing down.

 _What if something goes wrong and Adora isn’t here and the last time she ever sees me is when I’m throwing up all over myself with my vag on display, and she has to spend the rest of her life alone and every time she sees Glimmer and Bow and the kid (shit, if it even survives), it reminds her of how I just_ had _to do this and it’ll be my fault she’s miserable and she’ll probably throw herself too far into work and one day, she’ll have exhausted herself so much that she doesn’t look before she crosses the street-_

“Hey,” _Who the fuck is that?_ “Hey… Catra!”

She blinked, coming back into herself, her chest heaving erratically. She could barely catch her breath.

She couldn’t see anything but Bow right in front of her, their eyes level, his palms firmly framing Catra’s face.

“I’m gonna take a deep breath in and out and you’re going to do it with me, okay?” Bow stilled, about to draw a breath, “In, 1, 2, 3…”

“W-w-where is she?”

“Catra. You’re hyperventilating. I need you to focus on-”

“I-I- can’t…” _I can’t do this without her._

Catra bit back her words. She couldn’t let it slip, couldn’t risk revealing that she’d taken this whole thing too far; that she was completely consumed with a terrible dread that she actually wasn’t strong enough to do this. She was a total fraud, and it was only a matter of time before she disappointed everyone, just like always. 

She couldn’t keep up eye contact with Bow any longer – the beginnings of another contraction were already creeping up on her, guttural wails falling uncontrollably from her throat, and Catra couldn’t imagine that she’d possibly survive it.

“We’ve got you, I promise. But right now, you need to breathe with me, ok?”

* * *

Adora walked back and forth between the aisles again – anyone watching the CCTV footage would think she had gone clinically insane.

She’d picked up and put back a bunch of bananas on loop, and was trapped in the same indecisive cycle with apples, rice cakes and chocolate bars too. Her basket could have been in a video game, resetting to zero every time she failed to complete the level.

Adora was under no illusions: this was extreme procrastination, and the longer she failed to put an end to it, the more her rising guilt threatened to drown her.

The mistake was lack of a game plan.

Adora had always had a reputation for planning ahead for as long as she could remember. Even in her earliest memories, she recalled being told that she was worrying too much in advance; that it was a waste of time to fret over things that weren’t even happening yet. The irony was that she was by far the most impulsive out of her friend group. Not in the way that most people were – she’d never gone on a last-minute holiday or splurged on a big purchase without talking it through with as many people she could find who would listen. But Adora _did_ have her own unique brand of spontaneity. She’d get a burning feeling right in the pit of her stomach that she had to get her hair cut _now_ , write off her entire schedule for the day so she could speak to a specific person that very minute, or redo an entire menu barely minutes before dinner guests arrived (and after Catra had bought groceries – much to her irritation). Adora could just tell when something was wrong or had to be done differently. And she was terrified to admit that she’d carried that instinct around ever since the embryo took.

It had been a battle of mind vs body she couldn’t share with anyone, and she’d never felt shame like it.

_Enough is enough._

She picked up the damn bananas and took them straight to checkout, ignoring the nagging in her brain that she’d made the wrong choice, that there was something better, something _right_ she was meant to buy instead.

She started to make her way back to the maternity ward, weaving through busy streets and hospital corridors. The one thing she could be grateful for was that she knew this route like the back of her own hand, and even out-of-hours her body could take her to where she should be before her brain could kick in and re-route her.

It wasn’t until she was facing the door to the room they’d put Catra in, her fingers already on the metal handle, that Adora completely froze. She heard the agonizing of labouring women on a near-daily basis, but she’d only ever heard this sound once before, a full twenty years ago: Catra in pure emotional torture, sobs bleeding through the heavy door.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket continuously, her WiFi finally reconnecting to the staff network on the ward. She practically ripped it out of her pocket, her eyes widening in horror as she caught the time. She’d been gone for nearly an hour and a half.

_What the fuck was I doing?_

And just like that, the beast of growing self-loathing that had stalked the edges of her sub-conscious over recent weeks made its kill.

* * *

“Can you help me with Glim’s update thing?”

Catra blocked Adora’s view of the TV, a tape measure spilling out of her palm, right hip cocked.

Adora paused the game and leaned forward from her sprawl on the couch, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers before holding her hand out for the tape measure. Catra came closer, rolling her eyes.

“Jeez, way to go with the enthusiasm.”

Adora pulled Catra’s hand towards her, forcing Catra’s knees to bump against the edge of the sofa. 

“Whoa, ‘Dor!”

Adora pulled Catra down gently so that she kneeled aside her thighs, bum resting on Adora’s lap.

“I’m too big for this.”

“You’re not.” Catra frowned, and Adora tipped her chin down with her fingers so they were forced to look directly into one another’s eyes, mismatched blue and amber irises meeting grey. “Look, there’s plenty of room here. We’re all good.”

Adora willed Catra to hear the deeper meaning in her words – the past week had been tense, though neither of them acknowledged it.

Last weekend, Catra had gone to Glimmer and Bow’s place while Adora was on shift, and they’d ended up discussing the birth plan. Adora had been exhausted when she’d gotten home after a 14-hour stint, crashing into bed at 1am. Yet Catra was still awake, and she curled as best as she could into Adora’s side and murmured that Bow and Glimmer had insisted that Adora should be with them at the birth if that’s what the two of them wanted – they’d affirmed over and over again how important both Adora and Catra would be in their child’s life. Adora was too tired to mask her reaction (though in all honesty, she’d avoided thinking properly about what her role in the birth would look like), but even just the slight stiffening of her body set off a weighty conversation so completely inconvenient in the inky darkness. Adora shouldn’t have been surprised. Catra had always been able to read every one of her imperceptible twitches as if they’d been amplified through a lab-grade microscope. 

They’d gone round and round in circles: Catra trying to get Adora to talk about how she wanted to be involved; Adora trying to coax Catra into sharing her real wishes instead of echoing Bow and Glimmer’s preferences. Since they got together, Catra had worked at voicing what she actually wanted. But over the course of this surrogacy, Adora had noticed her slipping, increasingly hiding her desires behind a wall of carefully crafted indifference. By 3am they were still at it, Adora barely able to keep her eyes open even as she could feel the baby kicking into her side faintly through the firmness of Catra’s belly. Eventually Adora had cracked, not bothering to hide her exhausted frustration at Catra’s total opaqueness, leaving their bed to seek uninterrupted sleep on the futon in the home office. It wasn’t long until Catra was kneeled beside her, grasping desperately at Adora’s hands, panic oozing out of every pore. And just as instinct had always served her, Adora had known exactly what she needed to do. She’d led her girlfriend back to bed, wrapped her arms around her as far as she could and promised to stay as long as Catra wanted her – whether it be in their bed, the birthing room or otherwise. Adora knew staying was the single most important thing, central to the promises they’d broken, healed and depended upon over the decades.

Since then, Adora had been mentally stuck on how to resist the overwhelming urge to barricade Catra and herself in their apartment forever, to ignore this pregnancy, go back to a moment in time with no complications. Sometimes it helped to imagine the warm spread of happiness flow through her body when Glimmer and Bow’s child was finally born and united with its parents. But no matter how proud or bittersweet Adora felt about it, well, it all just felt a little too _familiar._

Adora had spent enough time in therapy to know she’d built an entire identity around being the selfless one – never a shift too late, a patient too demanding, a friend too difficult if it meant helping someone through something. Until recently, that had always felt like such a positive thing.

It wasn’t that Adora didn’t crave the surety that would allow her to truly be there for Bow and Glimmer. She wanted so badly to help them get the happy ending they deserved. But standing on the side-lines while Catra made the ultimate sacrifice of time and body, as she displayed a strength and stoicism that Adora couldn’t ever imagine matching, made her feel so… _insignificant_. If Catra – who Glimmer had alienated and criticized for years – could put herself through all of this for Adora’s best friends and she could barely even witness it, what did that say about her?

Adora knew her behaviour had been completely off the whole week – she’d sensed Catra studying her, reminding Adora not to forget her keys again, or that they’d pre-ordered from the good pizza place for dinner and to _please_ not buy groceries they already had on her way home yet another time _._

Even now, Adora could sense Catra’s uncertainty. She craned up to meet her lips, drinking in Catra’s scent, fixing her fingers at the back of Catra’s head and stretching her other hand out to rest on her hip.

“It won’t bite, you know.”

Adora thought she’d done a better job of hiding her efforts to evade the bump. When Catra’s stomach first started to harden, she revelled at every ghosted touch, even joining Glimmer in spreading her palms out firmly across Catra’s increasingly taut belly, laughing at the soft nudges pushing back at them. But in the past few days, it had started to sour – a constant reminder that this was not and would never be her and Catra’s child. She decided to play it down, letting out a breezy (or so she hoped) laugh.

“Just making sure you’re comfortable,” she kissed Catra again, deeper this time, “besides, isn’t this the _enthusiasm_ you were looking for?”

Catra pecked her on the lips playfully. Adora got the feeling she was letting it drop – she knew Catra wasn’t fooled in the slightest.

“Cute. Now, are you gonna help me out with this or not?”

Adora stole one last kiss before helping Catra up, finally taking the tape measure from her hand as Catra hitched up her shirt. Adora got to work dutifully, stretching the tape from Catra’s pubic bone all the way up to the top of her curved stomach.

“27cm, just a little below average.” Adora hummed as Catra texted Glimmer, “maybe don’t tell her that though?”

Catra snorted.

“As if. This ain’t my first time round the rodeo, babe.” She held her phone up as it chimed repeatedly, “aaand… Glimmer says that’s a little below average for 29 weeks and can you please let her know if that’s ok?”

Adora rolled her eyes, her own phone now chiming with message notifications as well.

“Oh,” Catra laughed out loud, “She says the baby is an acorn squash now. Sometimes I wonder if I’m growing her a child or a vegetable patch.”

“You haven’t got the patience for a vegetable patch.”

“True,” Catra shrugged, “at least I wouldn’t have to measure myself every week though… I feel like a marrow in the county fair!”

Adora hooked her arms around Catra’s neck.

“I’m sorry. Want me to talk to her?”

Catra paused, her energy deflating somewhat.

“Nah. It means a lot to her, and hey – only two months left.”

Adora cocked her head, “Ehhh… more like twelve wee-“

Catra placed a finger over her lips to shut her up.

“If you would like to stay a part of this relationship, I’d probably simmer down on that medical expertise.”

Adora ran an invisible zip across her lips.

“That’s more like it.” Catra shoved Adora back onto the sofa and settled back in her lap, dragging a pointed fingernail down the side of Adora’s neck. “Now, why don’t you carry on where you left off?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some time on the other side of the coin - a glimpse of Glimmer's perspective! Please feed my desperate need for external validation with comments :)

Glimmer winced as she ran cold water over her finger, wrapping it tightly in a paper towel to stem the blood.

“At least tell me this isn’t another avocado-related incident…”

Glimmer twisted round to watch Bow enter the kitchen, an easy smile spreading on her face as he reached on top of the fridge to retrieve the first aid kit.

“That was one time! And loads of people cut themselves chopping avos.”

The creases around Bow’s eyes crinkled as he chuckled under his breath, taking Glimmer’s hand in his and unwrapping it to inspect the damage.

“If you say so,” he cleansed the shallow cut across her index finger with an alcohol wipe and prepared a plaster to wrap around it, “but you really should be more careful.”

“I know,” she closed the distance between them, burrowing her face in Bow’s chest, “I’m just nervous.”

Glimmer sighed as Bow kissed the top of her head and she nuzzled into him further, his warmth settling her nerves for a split second. They stood there for a few minutes, the silence speaking volumes. Nervous was the understatement of the century.

It had been three months since they’d gone to the new Japanese restaurant that even the harshest food critics had been raving about with Catra and Adora. And true to form, the food had been excellent; even Glimmer didn’t have any notes on what the chef could do to improve the food further. She just noted how fresh the fish tasted, how well the rice was seasoned – and she secretly loved how shocked the other three had been to hear her complete lack of criticism. She remembered how Bow squeezed her hand under the table when they’d begun to tell Adora and Catra that they were going to start looking for a surrogate. They would be the first friends she and Bow told, the first public step towards attempting to make their future family a reality.

The moment had weighed heavily on her mind for months leading up to that night. She and Bow had spent innumerable nights reading up on all the hoops they’d have to jump through to bring a child into the world; she couldn’t be more grateful that they’d had embryos fertilised and frozen before they got married. Adora was to thank for that really – she’d encouraged Glimmer to think ahead, to imagine a time beyond the surgical recovery and the chemo when she might want the option to choose a different kind of life. So, the two of them had pooled their money before the wedding, foregoing the over-blown luxury honeymoon they’d meticulously saved for to secure a distant possibility for their future.

It shouldn’t have been so hard to start talking about it outside the four walls of their home. But both Bow and Glimmer had struggled to overcome the lofty expectations of their parents, and they equally feared that this entire fertility journey could just be setting themselves up for failure. It had occurred to both of them to keep it under wraps until they’d gotten further through the process. Still, Bow had insisted that Adora and Catra would only ever be supportive, and it was easy for Glimmer to agree that they’d feel so much better with others to lean on – even if it was just to weather the disappointments.

Glimmer’s heart jumped every time she replayed the memory of Catra’s response.

_Let me do it for you._

Sometimes she thought about it so often – the simple determination on Catra’s face, the surprise registered on Adora’s – that it blurred in her memory and she couldn’t quite believe it had even happened. But she’d never forget how Bow’s thigh had bumped against hers, his breath catching in his throat.

_Was she really being serious about this?_

The following weeks had been torture. Caught between the desperate hope that Catra might actually be willing to help them and the worry that even the idea of her carrying their child could lead to the messiest web of emotional dynamics, it took everything Glimmer had not to march right over to Catra and Adora’s apartment and demand they put her out of her misery. Couldn’t they just let her know sooner rather than later that Catra’s offer had just been a spur of the moment retort, that it was simply too much?

 _We’d never expect you to do something like this for us –_ Glimmer had rehearsed her speech in her head like a broken record – _please, please don’t feel like you have to._

Glimmer had steeled herself for the let-down, but it never came. Even now, she could feel the ghosts of Catra’s hands wrapped round her own across the table and see the shadow of Adora’s palm laid atop Bow’s on the rich wood.

_We want to do this for you. You deserve this more than anyone._

All four of them had cried, arms clasped around each-other. Who would have thought life would lead them down this path?

The thorny process of contracts, legal mediation and medical consultations had kicked off soon after. And today was the day.

Glimmer stepped back from Bow, nudging her head towards the chopping board.

“Can you finish the salsa? I’ll be right back.”

Glimmer shrugged off her apron and made her way into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She stared at herself in the mirror, examining her make-up. She’d applied a flick of eyeliner on her lids, not so dissimilar to the way Catra did hers. It gave her pause to think. _Am I doing this to make her like me?_

She’d thought a lot about their relationship these past weeks. It was no secret that they’d gotten off to a rocky start: Glimmer had bristled when Adora first brought her to their tiny shared apartment, and for years after Catra had settled in Bright Moon post-Prime, she hadn’t gotten much friendlier. Their mutual animosity had faded drastically, for sure. But Glimmer still carried shame over the way she’d reacted to Bow and Catra’s friendship – it had become increasingly significant to both of them over the years – and she greatly regretted the resistance she’d mounted towards bringing Catra into their group (almost as much as the bitter insults the two of them had exchanged in their numerous verbal sparring matches). Glimmer had come to realise that she and Catra were far more alike than either of them would have wanted to admit in the past; and given her own feelings towards Adora’s girlfriend, she hoped to God that Catra’s surrogacy wasn’t guided by a similar longing to absolve herself of their volatile history. 

Glimmer straightened up, locking her shoulders together and drawing her traps out the same way she always did when she needed to feel powerful. She’d slowly built her weight-lifting regime up again since her diagnoses and treatment, and it was probably the only thing that made her feel truly resilient. Resilience was something she’d need in buckets today.

Set in her superhero stance, Glimmer finally let her eyes drop down the bathroom counter. They’d bought three pregnancy tests – the most trusted and expensive ones, of course (Bow had insisted on it) – and they’d been taunting her all morning.

It was a strange feeling. She’d bought one six years ago but never got round to using it – she’d figured if she actually was pregnant, it would come up at her smear appointment. To be fair, she had been right about that. But now Glimmer was keenly aware that she’d never get to have that moment she assumed most mothers got – the intimacy of acknowledging another invisible person-to-be in the room, revelling in the awareness that she was the only person in the world who knew it. Having that sacred space for herself, even for just a few minutes before she’d tell Bow.

_No point crying over spilt milk now, Glim._

She didn’t want to let herself hope that Catra might actually be pregnant – what were the chances this could have possibly worked? She’d internalized the notion that she just wasn’t a person to whom good things happened anymore. Getting sick hadn’t just wrecked her physically – it had thrown her entire identity into the air like a twisted disc of pizza dough. 

Battling her defeatist mindset had taken so much work. Yet now, Glimmer’s heart soared every time she thought about the possibility that she might actually have a child, and the awe she felt for her friends – she was still coming to terms with the notion that she was loved this much, that they would want to do this for _her_. It astounded her on a near-hourly basis, a warmth that sustained itself even as she tried to manage her unwieldly hopefulness in favour of jarring realism. 

Her ears picked up as she heard Bow greeting Adora and Catra at the door. She didn’t know whether she wanted the result immediately or prolonged as long as possible. _Would knowing a negative result be worse than not knowing at all?_ It was impossible to decide.

Glimmer exited the bathroom, greeting the couple with as much level-headedness as she could muster, leading them to the dining table full to the brim with painstakingly prepared fillets of seared tuna, complex salads, pineapple salsa, crushed avocado, three hand-whisked vinaigrettes, freshly-squeezed organic fruit juices… she may have gone a little overboard. Their brunch passed in a mist of well-worn inside jokes, gossip and work anecdotes until Catra named the subject they’d all been tip-toeing around. She’d take the test ( _okay, okay she’d take all three_ ), they’d know for sure, and could decide after whether they’d be drowning their sorrows over wine or partaking in a slice of celebratory cake.

The four of them gathered around the Tupperware box Bow had given Catra to put the sticks in.

These were the longest four minutes of Glimmer’s life.

And then, just like that.

_Pregnant._

It wasn’t a guarantee, but it was a chance. And at this point in time, a chance was all that Glimmer wanted.

* * *

“Oh my God, Catra, I can’t listen to this anymore - it’s really triggering!”

Catra snorted, her eyebrows raised high in the air.

“Dramatic much, Sparkles? I thought you’d _like_ to hear how close I am to inbox zero.”

She wiggled her phone in front of Glimmer’s face, completely unfussed by the stares they were attracting from the women and couples around her.

“Ugh, I am literally drowning. I must have like six hundred flagged emails I was supposed to get to this week.”

Catra let out a low whistle, ignoring the scowl of the receptionist.

“You gotta get yourself a better strategy.”

“Strategy?”

“Yup. Little secret here, Sparks: there’s a strategy in life for everything.”

“Huh.” Glimmer eyed Catra swiping fast on the screen of her smartphone, somehow going at breakneck speed despite her immaculate nails, “So you gonna let me in on it then?”

Catra tilted her head from side to side as if considering it.

“… Nah.”

Glimmer gasped in mock outrage, shoving Catra’s arm playfully.

“Hey – precious cargo here! Aren’t you going to treat the _holy vessel of your chi_ -”

Catra froze out of nowhere, her eyes immediately widening and locking onto Glimmer’s.

“C-Catra?”

Glimmer’s mind immediately ran through a million things that could be going wrong right that very minute – _it had to happen sooner or later, I knew getting so far into the second trimester wouldn’t mean anything!_ She craned her head around frantically, seeing if she could catch the attention of one of the nurses.

But Catra had grabbed her hand and pulled her halfway out her squeaking plastic chair, planting Glimmer’s palm on the side of her protruding belly.

“Can you feel that?”

Glimmer’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, her eyes flickering back to Catra’s. The way Catra looked at her with such intention, studying Glimmer’s face for even the tiniest reaction, made the hair stand up on the back of her neck. She held Catra’s gaze in silence for a short minute, the disappointment building in her chest as the realisation of what was happening dawned on her. She began to move her hand away, but Catra held on firmly, keeping it in place.

_She can feel it, and I can’t._

“I don’t-”

_Oh._

And there it was: barely there but unmistakeable. This time, Glimmer gasped for real.

“Is this the first…?”

Catra’s eyes softened, her fingers folding around Glimmer’s, still pressed flat against Catra’s abdomen.

“I’d have told you, Glim.” Catra brought her other hand over, squeezing Glimmer’s with both. “Must be excited to see Mama again, right?”

Glimmer’s heart felt like it swelled to double the size. She wrapped her arms around Catra, bringing her as close as she possibly could. She could sense Catra’s surprise in the way she’d immediately gone rigid before slowly relaxing into Glimmer’s embrace, her hands eventually resting on her back, kneading gentle strokes into her clothes. Glimmer squeezed her eyes shut, the faint rhythm of Catra’s racing pulse reverberating into the skin of her shoulder. _How am I crying before we even get to the scan?_

“You’re the most incredible person, you know that?”

Catra let out a nervous giggle. “Don’t be silly…”

“I’m not.”

They held onto one another for a few moments more before letting go, their hands remaining intertwined between their seats as they waited for Catra’s name to be called out, the water bottle in her other hand getting emptier and emptier as their appointment time crept closer.

Halfway through the ultrasound, Glimmer realised that the sense of isolation that had settled heavily on her so far in this unorthodox process to motherhood had started to loosen; she wasn’t to know that Catra’s own situational loneliness was similarly slackening. For perhaps the first time ever in their chequered history, they finally had each other.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Catradora relationship archaeology here, which will lead to some important discoveries soon! Let me know what you think, I love to hear your reactions!

Adora tensed as she gripped the door handle. She wasn’t sure anymore whether she should even open it.

She laid her forehead tentatively against the wood, careful not to get any splinters. She couldn’t hear if anyone else was still in the room with Catra; this would only be harder with an audience. Everything in Adora’s mind was telling her to give Catra space, to give her the privacy Adora knew Catra craved when she was upset. But something about the way Catra’s sobs sounded – thick, rasping whimpers coated in unmistakeable misery – was different. Adora knew in the depths of her gut that Catra wanted ( _no, needed_ ) her. And Adora had always struggled to stop herself from doing whatever she could to give Catra what she needed.

She straightened herself up, settling her nerves and wiggling her toes so she could ready herself to enter the room as lightly and calmly as possibly.

_Here goes nothing…_

Adora pushed the door open ultra-cautiously, frowning at the whining creak it made, unceremoniously giving her entrance away.

She breathed out a sigh of relief as she realised Catra was alone, her back facing the door as she lay on her side in bed. Adora lowered herself gingerly onto the edge of Catra’s mattress, stretching her fingers out towards Catra’s hand. She waited for Catra to reach back, but their fingertips never connected.

“Catra?”

There was no response – just Catra’s tears briefly giving way to frantic gulps of air. Adora sighed, shifting closer, laying a hand on Catra’s back as her sobs began to intensify again. Anxiety knitted the muscles in her chest together; she’d never heard Catra cry like this, not even when they were really little.

It felt like she sat there trying to soothe Catra for a century. And then-

“You said you wouldn’t leave me.”

Adora bit her lip. It was weird, weighing up these extreme emotions of timid excitement and solemn guilt.

“I’m not leaving _you_ , Catra.”

“But you’re going, aren’t you?”

Adora shucked her slippers off, nudging Catra to move over under the sheets, slipping inside with her, the threadbare white material pulled over their heads. Finally face-to-face, Adora could see the crimson rims of Catra’s eyes, stark against the glistening amber and blue of her irises, her cheeks striped with the ruins of shed tears.

“It’s still us against the world, right? They can’t keep us apart.” Adora’s throat tightened as she spoke, her words barely above a whisper.

“How do you even know that? They only want you.”

Catra’s voice trailed off, her eye contact dropping. Adora didn’t need her to speak out loud to know what Catra couldn’t voice.

_No-one wants me._

“It’s just fostering.” _I’ll be back before the end of term; we all know how this usually pans out._

Catra stared back at Adora, her whimpers finally subsiding. Her nose twitched, and all of a sudden, the snarky exterior Adora had watched her build over the previous months since they started secondary school sealed all her emotions in. She studied Adora for a few brief seconds.

“Nah, you’re going to get the happy ending. I can tell.”

A small smile spread across Adora’s face.

“You can tell, huh?”

Catra prodded Adora’s cheek, her mischievous façade coming fully back in place.

“I can tell a lot of things.”

Adora jabbed Catra back in the stomach, and it quickly turned into a poking match, their giggles escalating, the sheets falling off the bed. They didn’t notice their roommate Lonnie come into the room, who had taken her turn in the bathroom after Adora to get ready for bed.

“You guys better shut up - I’ve got my Spanish test tomorrow!”

“Beauty sleep s’not gonna help you with that one, Lonnie.”

Lonnie stuck her tongue out at Catra, ignoring the fact she’d obviously been crying. “Smart arse.”

Catra jumped up to swipe her sheets off the floor, pulling down the hem of her pyjama top.

“Dunno why you always say that like it’s an insult.”

Lonnie rolled her eyes, reaching to turn off the light in their room. “Whatever, Catra.”

Adora watched as Catra collapsed next to her on the bed, pulling the sheet around them, their bodies cloaked in the darkness. It took a few seconds for her eyes to readjust, but Adora could still sense the sadness returning to Catra’s face.

Whenever they’d talked about finally leaving social care, it had always been that they’d do it together. Sure, they both knew deep down it was out of their control. They were just kids, and it was down to adults to make the big decisions. Adults who barely knew them and primarily liked the way they sounded on paper. Still, it was fun to imagine being fostered together, getting to hang out every day doing what they wanted with no curfews, no communal meals, no fights to get control of the TV remote. Maybe it was all wishful thinking. Still, it had felt good. It was an incredible feeling now, imagining packing up her few treasured belongings, knowing that she was finally going somewhere that might be different, where maybe – if she tried as hard as she could to be perfect, to please them enough - she could even be _loved_ one day. But it was hard to think about it for too long knowing Catra would be left without her. 

Adora worried that Catra would be able to feel the excitement humming off her – she didn’t want Catra to think she was pleased to be moving out of their room with Lonnie, that she wanted to be apart from them. And Catra probably needed some time for herself. She knew just as well as anyone else in the home that seeing other kids getting fostered while you were still stuck in the same lumpy, too-worn bed was hard to stomach. She made to get out of Catra’s bed and fumble her way back to her own for the night. But the second she began to move, she felt Catra’s wrist clamp forcefully around her own. It made Adora think of how stupid it was that Catra refused to try out for any of the sports teams at school – her reflexes were next level. Nevertheless, the message was clear.

_Stay._

Adora wasn’t sure how many more nights she’d have in their room. So she burrowed her head into Catra’s pillow, both of them falling into a steady rhythm of sleep. She slept in Catra’s bed every night for the next week, right up until it was time for their first goodbye.

* * *

“Hey, can I sit here?”

Lonnie shrugged at Adora, nudging her head towards the chair opposite her.

“Thanks,” Adora smiled nervously, pulling at the hem of her track shorts, “I know it’s kind of been a while.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Lonnie waved her hand in the air lazily, “s’just how these things go.”

“I guess.”

Lonnie took a bite of her sandwich, glancing up at Adora, who was watching her expectantly.

“You gonna eat?”

“Oh! Yeah,” Adora dug around in her backpack, eventually pulling out a thoroughly squished sandwich. She peeled off the crumpled foil she’d hurriedly wrapped it in that morning, picking at the edges of the crust to avoid eating the rest of the mushy, tuna-soaked bread.

Lonnie paused, swallowing her bite in a loud gulp. She held out the other half of her sandwich.

“Go on.”

“Lonnie! That’s your lunch!”

“Yeah, and you’re not gonna eat that, are you?”

Adora scrunched her face up, meeting Lonnie’s gaze shyly.

“Come on, Adora. The sooner you take the damn sandwich, the sooner we can start talking about what you actually came over here for.”

“Thanks,” Adora took the sandwich, pulling off a corner and pushing it into her mouth. “That obvious, huh?”

Lonnie laughed under her breath.

“You’re the most fucking obvious. Plus we shared a room for like, eight years or something, remember?”

“That was a pretty good set-up.”

Lonnie snorted. _If you say so, idiot!_

“Dealing with the two of you rolling around all the time? My life got _much_ better when I didn’t have to third wheel your asses.”

Adora balked.

“It was barely third-wheeling, Lon.”

“If you say so.” Lonnie raised an eyebrow, taunting her, “But until I see you eye-fucking someone _else_ for once-“ Adora scoffed, ”I’m gonna carry on with my survivors’ therapy.”

“You’re such a dick sometimes.”

Lonnie let a grin spread across her face.

“Ya really know how to sweet-talk a girl, ‘Dor.”

Adora rolled her eyes playfully, kicking Lonnie’s shin lightly under the table. Lonnie finished her half of the sandwich, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.

“So, should I bother guessing what it is you wanna talk about?”

Adora swallowed her final mouthful, licking her lips. 

“I’m just worried about her.”

“Why? Don’t you talk to her every day?”

“Well, yeah… But she’s been hanging around with…”

Lonnie sighed.

“Look Adora, I know there’s been a lot going on for you the last few months-” Adora’s eyes narrowed. _Did everyone know about her coming out? And does it really have to be such a big deal?_ “But Catra can do whatever she wants, okay? And maybe it isn’t what you think she should do, but if she wants to date or fuck or do whatever it is she’s doing with those guys, then you just have to let her get on with it.”

_Well, that was fucking dissatisfying._

Adora glared at Lonnie, but the other girl held her stare. She finally gave up, her shoulders sinking as she slumped in her chair.

“I just…” Adora gulped, questioning to herself whether she could even say it out loud. “I feel like I’m losing her.”

The admission hung in the air between them.

“Dude!”

Adora and Lonnie twisted round: it was Catra, weaving her way through the crowded school grounds towards them in skin-tight ripped jeans, two pencils stuck into the messy bun of curls piled on her head. It seemed like kids in younger years knew instinctively to get out the way when she was walking, as if she had an invisible entourage of bodyguards around her to clear her path. 

“Since when did you hang out with Adora?” She hoisted herself onto the table, sitting cross legged-between them.

Adora glanced at Lonnie apprehensively, but there was no need to be worried.

“Just track talk. I have my fitness thing for the Army soon, thought ‘Dor might have some tips on the whole long-distance thing.”

“Yeah, we just talked about breathing patterns and stuff.”

Catra nodded slowly, clearly not entirely convinced. She tore off a piece of Adora’s abandoned sandwich.

“Okaaaaay. Well, if we’re talking bullshit about the not-so-distance future, then I might as well tell you.”

Adora perked up. _Did she finally hear back?_

“Looks like you’re gonna have a buddy at BMU.”

“Your grant came through?”

Catra beamed, laughing as Adora launched out of her chair, wrapping her arms around her in excitement. They’d talked about this for years, going to uni together, and it seemed like money (or lack of it) was going to put a stopper in their plans to study in the capital.

“Getting that maintenance check, baby.”

Adora squealed in excitement. “We should apply to the same halls! How great would it be to live together again?”

Lonnie stood up, swinging her backpack over her shoulder. “Aaaand… I’m out. Had enough of this already for a lifetime.”

Catra laughed, “Fuck off then.”

Lonnie flipped her middle finger at them as she swaggered back towards the school doors, shaking her hair out behind her.

Adora couldn’t contain herself.

“Catra, this is amazing - it’ll be just like old times!”

Catra’s smile faltered a little, her head drooping.

“Adora… you know I’m still going to have to get like two jobs to come to Bright Moon?” She exhaled heavily. “I’m probably not going to be able to live in halls with you.”

Adora bit her lip, squeezing Catra’s arm.

“Well… I’m still so happy we’ll be there together.” 

“Me too.”

Adora couldn’t help it – she lunged towards Catra again, hugging her tight. She’d waited years for the opportunity for them to get back on the same path, to be equals, not just the scrappy care home kid and the lucky adoptee. No-one would know who they were in Bright Moon.

They’d just be Catra and Adora, finally.

* * *

The weather was unbelievably shitty, and Adora had been waiting in the cold for far longer than she should have bothered. She bristled, checking her phone again impatiently.

_At least text - it’s my birthday, for God’s sake!_

She huffed angrily, bringing up Catra’s contact against her better judgment. She stood up from the park bench, grunting in frustration as it went to voicemail _again._

“Catra, can you please just text me? I’ve been waiting for over an hour.” Adora sucked in air sharply, but she was way too irritable at this point to force her usual placating tone. “Honestly, this is really fucking shitty of you. It’s one thing to refuse to come to my party – and really, I don’t know what your issue is and why you always bail on meeting any of my friends – but I literally changed my entire schedule to get lunch with you and, _of course_ , you don’t even bother turning up. Fucking typical.”

“Typical, huh?”

Adora whipped around, eyes widening in shock. Catra was panting, a thin sheen of sweat glistening on her forehead; she’d clearly been in a rush to get to the park.

“Catra…” Adora paled, hanging up the phone, “I was going to delete that.”

Catra hardened, her nostrils flaring. There were deepened purple stains under eyes and her skin was an oddly ashy grey; she was clearly getting no sleep.

“Don’t bother. Nice to know what you really think.”

Adora whimpered.

“Come on, Catra! I didn’t mean it. I just…”

“What?”

“I was just really looking forward to seeing you. We never hang out anymore. You’re always with him.”

“He has a name, you know.”

Adora pinched the bridge of her nose. How was it that Catra managed to flip things around on her every time? She was the one who was late. Really late on her _birthday_. Adora was pissed off; they’d gotten through the first two years of university with little friction, but this final term had been a complete and total mess between the two of them.

“Yeah, well, I forget which one it is.”

Catra shook her head, laughing under her breath in disbelief.

“Oh my God, who the fuck do you think you are?” Adora’s head snapped up in shock. “Do I say anything about the girls you dick about with?”

“It’s not like there’s been many.”

“Ha! And what am I doing, shagging a new guy every week? I’ve been with Prime for over a year, Adora!” she ran her hand through her hair raggedly. “I knew I should have listened to him.”

“Listened to him? Is that why you’re so late?”

“Jesus, kill me now.”

“What? It seems like he controls every little thing you do. You won’t come over for movie night, you won’t go out for dinner with us, you won’t even come to a study group!”

“Why would I want to do any of those things with your friends, Adora? I don’t know them.”

“That’s only because you’ve refused to even meet them the whole time we’ve been here!”

Catra shut her eyes, seemingly trying to hold back fury that was seeping out of her skin. She spoke lowly, her jaw set in stone.

“Maybe I don’t want my entire life to turn into a Pride parade, Adora. Maybe I don’t want every conversation to be about queer rights this, gentrification that, feminism 101 with boots on. Not all of us want to spend our lives rolling around in eco-glitter with a fucking loudspeaker.”

Adora winced.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m trying to say, Adora, that I don’t want to fit into whatever woke rainbow box you seem so determined to shoehorn me into.”

Adora didn’t know how to respond. What was Catra even referring to? Was it really such a problem that she talked about being gay or about dating girls? Or that she had friends that dressed and spoke the way they did? She instinctively brought her hand to her coat lapel, thumbing the pride pin that had been secured there since they left high school. She looked up at Catra, trying to figure it out. Had she been predatory or pressurising in any way at all? She’d tried so hard to always be ‘normal’ around Catra, to never push any physical boundaries or to look at her for too long. Even if it was completely platonic, and even though they’d always been so touchy with each other, Adora was beyond scared to fall into that trap of making the straight girl nervous, of being too queer. The last thing she wanted was to push Catra away – she’d spent years trying to keep her close despite the odds.

She made herself look Catra in the eye, and was shocked to see complete coldness staring back at her.

_I guess there’s a first time for everything._

Adora didn’t want to believe this was it. That this was what their life-long friendship was going to boil down to. Surely this was just projection, a symptom of something bad happening in Catra’s life, not the sickness itself _. It had to be, right?_

“What is going on with you?”

Catra didn’t respond. She just glared at Adora beadily, until a flash of something – regret, or maybe even alarm? – overtook for a second. Adora edged closer to her, keeping her hands firmly at her side. 

_Don’t let it look like you’re trying to touch her like that._

“Why are you saying these things? This isn’t you, Catra.” _It can’t be._

“You don’t know me anymore, Adora.”

Adora stared at Catra quizzically. _What the hell is happening here?_

“You live in this bubble!” Catra let out a laugh dripping in mirth, “You have literally no idea what the real world is like, but the worst thing is, you think you do because you spent a few measly years in social care with the rest of us runts.”

“Catr-“

“I hold down three jobs on top of classes. I don’t come to your stupid little things because I either have to study or can’t afford the bus. And then you think I would want to hang out with your friends who have nothing better to do than debate the injustices of the world! And all that money, just throwing it around! Oh my God, they organised your party at a bar with a fucking fifty quid entry. And we’re supposed to be _students_!”

“I d-didn’t know…”

“Because you never fucking think!”

Catra turned away from Adora, searching frantically in the bag slung over her shoulder.

“You know why I was late? ‘Cos I left your present at home and I didn’t have enough on my card to get the bus there and back again. And I borrowed the cash off Prime to get it for you in the first place!”

She ripped a small gift-wrapped box out of the bag, throwing it on the ground by Adora’s feet.

“Catra! Please, can we just-“

But it was too late. Catra had stormed off, and Adora knew her well enough to know that this time, she really did need space. She wasn’t the only one - Adora felt like Catra’s words had sliced through her; the cuts were deeper than she thought would even be possible.

She pocketed the gift box, shoving it into a drawer when she got home without opening it. For weeks, she was too anxious to talk about their argument with anybody, even though they kept asking how she was, that they knew something was deeply wrong.

But Adora had so much swirling around in her head; how could she express any of these deep, inner-held thoughts when the only person she ever would have opened up to before had blasted her entire sense of self apart? Was it really all her fault? Was she just some slut-shaming, over-privileged, stereotypical loudspeaker lesbian with no basic awareness? She wracked her brain trying to come up with the things she’d said or done that made Catra say what she had.

By the time end of year exams were over with, Adora finally mustered up the courage to reach out, to suggest a coffee – she offered to pay – so they could unpack everything and patch things up, just like they always did.

But Catra’s phone was disconnected, her room was empty, and her socials had gone completely dead.

For all intents and purposes, Catra had dropped off the face of the earth. Wracked with worry, Adora was left to process all the damage alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: emotional abuse, masturbation, non-consensual sex/forced consent, gaslighting. This chapter provides backstory, but you'll still be able to make sense of the plot without it.

Catra stretched out, her arm falling on the cool pillow beside her. She twisted the cotton blend fabric in her fist, pulling it towards her and hugging it to her chest. She should have known he wouldn’t stay overnight – Prime hated her shabby room and disliked interacting with her roommates even more.

It was true that her cramped apartment wasn’t the nicest place – there were holes in the walls left by previous tenants, all the taps were rusted up with limescale, and there were odd cracks in the internal doorframes that stopped them from locking completely. But Catra had been so grateful to find such cheap rent so close to campus; she’d only just managed to scrape the deposit money together a week before the start of first year, and raced to get it cash-in-hand to the landlord. She’d moved in that very evening – no point wasting more money on that awful hostel – and dumped a bin bag of her meagre belongings on the yellowing mattress. It wasn’t much but it felt like a triumph. Her new life in Bright Moon, finally about to begin. 

The sun streamed in through the thin blinds, streaking across her naked body. Catra fumbled in the drawer next to her bed, pulling out a small metal cylinder – cheap, but seven out of ten times it did the job. If she was in the right mood. She rolled back onto her front, burying her face in the pillow as she snaked her hand under the curve of her hips and stomach, dipping lower and lower until the cold metal made her shiver slightly. She turned the bullet on, pressing her clit into it further. She played around, trying to build up the tension, tapping herself in random patterns, holding pressure in different places, squeezing her pelvic floor as tight as she could to trigger her body into giving her what she needed. _Please, just work with me today._ She only had five or ten minutes before she had to get up and she was so close, if she could just keep this building for just a little longer…

Catra moaned in frustration, half begging/half threatening her body to get there.

It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the way Prime fucked her, but it always felt somehow _lacking_. She imagined Adora teasing her, telling her that if she really wanted to cum properly, she was targeting the wrong demographic for sex.

_Fuck._

Catra grunted in exasperation.

She’d avoided thinking about Adora for weeks. Yet even without any contact, she’d completely ruined Catra’s buzz. She shuddered violently, twisting onto her side to find a new angle that worked better. But it was no use. Catra threw the bullet across the room in frustration; it whirred against the floor incessantly, but she couldn’t give a shit.

She screeched into her hands, dismissing the sore, rough edges of her early morning throat and the faint smell of herself on her fingers. Given how shitty the past couple of months had been, getting worked up like that with no release felt like literally the worst thing that could happen. Catra knotted her fingers into her thick hair to massage her scalp, arching her back as she chased some kind of satisfaction to start her day.

Catra thought for a minute about the previous night’s events. Prime had showed up unannounced again, demanding she stop cooking dinner so he could get what he wanted. And just like every time, she gave it to him. It didn’t matter that she’d just finished her final exams and all she wanted to do was sleep before the next never-ending day swallowed her up – it never seemed like the consequences of saying no were worth it.

She had laid there, letting him into her, his left hand rough against her ribs as he pressed her into the mattress over and over again. Sometimes he would bite down roughly on her shoulder or the curve of her neck – she liked that – but they never kissed during sex. Last night, it was just kind of… _transactional_. Catra’s fingers drifted to her side, pressing tentatively into her skin. It was more tender than she’d like; she could imagine the bruise blossoming even without seeing it.

Catra sighed, ripping her phone away from its charging cable and opening up her messages. There weren’t many, but what did she expect? She’d barely had time to make any friends on top of the jobs, the classes and the stuff she did on the side for Prime. Even though she was alone, Catra scrolled through WhatsApp with feigned indifference, refusing to admit what she was actually looking for.

_She still hasn’t texted._

They’d never gone so long without speaking. The realisation sunk like a crushing metal weight on Catra’s chest.

She knew it had been bad, but she’d been so tired. She could barely remember half the things she’d said, but releasing in those snap seconds of freedom, speaking her mind after years of swallowing bitterness, felt so good. Her stomach warped a little, though. _Isn’t it kind of fucked if it felt good?_

It was more worrying that Adora never reached out after. Usually, they’d play their classic game of tiptoeing round each other, then Adora would suggest they meet up to study at the library or go on a walk through campus. And the minute they met, it would be back to normal. Catra’s guilt would dampen, Adora’s anxiety would settle, and they’d be joking along as always. She’d never had to actually say sorry.

This time it was different.

She could hear Prime’s voice in her head, the tickle of his warm breath still heavy on her neck.

_You should listen when I tell you not to bother with her._

_You’re crazy for thinking she actually likes you. She just wants to convince herself how much better she is._

_Why aren’t you studying? Do you think that dumb bitch is going to help you get anywhere?_

_You’re not a stupid kid anymore, are you? Do you really need her now you’ve got me?_

It was hard not to see his point. Adora had let her down over and over again, hadn’t she? She’d been oblivious to all her pain, disrespectful to her relationship, insensitive to Catra’s struggles. Why couldn’t Adora understand how much Prime had done for her? He’d gotten her two of her jobs, pushed her to stay in school despite everything, and even taken over her phone contract so she had one less bill to worry about. Sure, she’d had to run a few numbers for him now and again – she was a maths and software engineering student after all – but Prime loved her, didn’t he? At least, Catra presumed this was what love was supposed to feel like.

She couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been. How much risk she’d taken to see Adora on her birthday: lying to Prime about the times of her shift at the coffee shop, praying to God he wouldn’t pick that day to check that she was actually where she said she’d be; pretending to borrow the money to buy lingerie he’d like (she’d swiped a red lacy set left behind at the gym when she was cleaning the showers in a staggering stroke of good luck) and hiding Adora’s gift underneath her tampons; taking a cold shower before going to his place that night, because somehow he’d always pick up Adora’s scent on her, and they turned the heating off in her flat after 10am.

Catra wouldn’t learn until that afternoon that Prime had already seen and deleted a text from Adora when she was asleep. It only took hours for him to cut off her contract; all she had to do to make it up to him was move into his place and promise to never lie to him again.

Catra would almost be grateful for it – being in Prime’s orbit was the closest she’d ever been to being truly protected from the unbending world around her. If losing Adora was the sacrifice, she’d take it. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now we're starting to get into the real meat of the backstory... please feed me with comments :) it is so helpful to hear what you think!

Adora woke gently and pulled off her eye mask, her cheek soft against Catra’s silk pillow. She loved it, that the first thing she smelled every morning was the linseed oil Catra worked into her hair every evening and the faint lavender of her night cream. 

She smiled to herself with eyes closed as she thought how simple it had been over the past month. Something about the start of the third trimester had settled both of them – they could see the light at the end of the tunnel, imagine a life beyond this time where it was just the two of them again. And Adora had developed a blissful sense of temporary relief; it was like she’d started to see Catra again and not just the bump.

Sometimes she caught sight of Catra blowing hair out of her eyes, or rubbing moisturiser into her skin, or humming as she cooked, and the realisation that she belonged to this woman – and that this woman belonged to her – was astounding. Their journey to this life had been so long and so painful. _How could I possibly let this incredible gift she is trying to give come between us?_

It was in these moments that she couldn’t help but pull Catra into her arms, and for the first time in weeks, the roundness of her belly and the flighty movements of the child inside her ignited warmth rather than bitterness. For all her time as a qualified specialist, Adora felt like she was experiencing an intimacy that usually eluded her when treating patients: the value of rubbing bio-oil on sore stretch marks; of rubbing deft fingers in soothing circles on strained muscles; of keeping windows open despite the early autumn cool to relieve body temperature. Now and again, the disappointment slipped in – _if only this could be for us_ – but she pushed it as forcefully as she could to the edges of her mind.

Deep down, Adora knew there would be triggers that dragged her anxiety back out into the open. She’d have to keep reminding herself that she’d been equally responsible for all of the steps that had led them here. She’d chosen Catra, chosen to encourage this surrogacy, and now for everyone’s sake, she was choosing the role of the supportive partner. It was possible, after all, that this longing that had wildly grown inside Adora was just a halo effect of the pregnancy hormones – _I read a study once saying that could happen, right?_ Maybe when it was just the two of them again, the urge to nest would fade. It had disappeared so quickly when she’d promised Catra that she would always be enough ( _more than enough)_ for Adora on her own. 

For now, the linseed and lavender grounded her. 

Adora inhaled deeply and half-rolled out of bed, pulling a jumper over her head. She padded towards the living room, ready to convince Catra to spend the rest of the day in bed with her; if finishing at 3pm wasn’t a perk of being the boss, then what else was there?

It had become their practice for Catra to work from home when Adora had a day off after a string of night shifts. She’d let her sleep in until the afternoon, and Adora would wake to freshly made pancakes.

She rounded the corner to the kitchen, straining to savour the smell she’d been looking so forward to.

“Catra?”

The kitchen was untouched, the dishes from the day before still waiting in the drying rack to be put away.

_Strange. She didn’t say she’d be out today._

Adora veered back into the hallway absent-mindedly, glancing ahead to the bathroom and peeking her head around the doorway of their home office. Catra wasn’t there – but Adora’s phone was buzzing furiously on the desk, a slew of notifications from Bow and Glimmer filling up her lock screen.

She grabbed it from the charging dock, deciding to call Bow instead of reading all the messages. 

“Hey, I saw-”

“Adora! I’m so relieved you’re calling back, I’ve been trying to get through to you all day!” Bow sounded frantic; it immediately put her on edge.

“Sorry, I’ve only just got up – I’ve been on nights.” The nervous energy was electric – it could have burned her. “Bow, is everything okay?”

She heard Bow breathe in sharply on the other end of the line.

“Is Catra with you?”

“No… she might have gone into the office for something.”

“Adora, she’s supposed to be on maternity leave.”

“You know how she is about it, she’s been working anyway. I’m sure it’s-”

“Do you know for definite that’s where she is?”

Adora was completely taken aback. _What the hell is going on?_

“No, Bow. She’s a grown woman. Do you always know where Glimmer is?”

Bow fell silent; Adora could tell he was figuring out how to express himself diplomatically. She could hear the words forming silently in his mind: _it’s different._

He redirected the conversation.

“She didn’t turn up to the antenatal class this morning.”

Adora’s defence mechanism started to kick in. _Hadn’t they gotten past all this?_ It had been close to six years since Catra had last been missing.

“She probably just forgot, Bow, she’s been dropping things all over the place. She’s nearly eight months gone. It’s expected.”

“She’s not picking up her phone. It’s been seven hours.”

Adora gritted her teeth.

“Bow.”

“I’m sorry, Adora. You know I love Catra. But…”

Adora was having none of it.

“But _what_?”

He fell silent again for a long minute.

“If she hasn’t come home yet, we’re worried.”

* * *

The floorboards creaked under Adora’s feet as she tip-toed through the tiny apartment she shared with Glimmer. Her throat was dry and her head throbbed with dehydration – she’d waited all night to refill her glass. The last thing she wanted to do was disturb the guest on their sofa; for the past week she’d stayed with them, Catra had been tetchy at the best of times, let alone if intruded upon in the middle of the night. Adora was overly conscious of doing anything that might invade her privacy too much and push Catra to turn even deeper into herself.

It didn’t help that Glimmer was both tactless and suspicious of her old friend – a thoroughly unhelpful combination. For every awkward moment that had gone down between Adora and Catra, there was a clear admission of distrust from Glimmer. It hadn’t started like that; Glimmer had given them a decent amount of space for the first few days after Adora brought Catra home. And she’d barely put up any resistance to letting her stay (given everything she’d told Glimmer about her volatile relationship with Catra in the past, _that_ had been more of a surprise). But as time went on, and as Adora spent more and more time trying to coax Catra out of her shell, the dramatic shift of Adora’s attention triggered Glimmer to start asking Catra increasingly intrusive questions. Really, they were more like borderline accusations at times. Adora was petrified that Glimmer would push Catra away, and that she’d go back off the grid for God knows how many more years. She’d pinched herself every morning that it had actually happened – that she’d found Catra again, completely by chance.

Last Saturday night, she’d let herself be dragged to Crimson, a lesbian bar in the west end of Bright Moon. Her training cohort had qualified a few months ago, and she’d be starting her placement in obstetrics soon; her university friends who had stuck around in the city after graduation insisted that they celebrate. Glimmer and Bow had pushed her not to bail like she always did – ever since her disastrous birthday in third year, she rarely went to clubs and bars, hyper-aware of her privilege and the money she wouldn’t have previously given a second thought to dropping on drink after drink. But her friends were so excited to have an excuse to go out (9-5 office life was apparently mundane beyond belief), and Adora had known that after more than two long, unsatisfying years of policing herself, she really did have to put her insecurities to rest. _It doesn’t make you some out-of-touch princess to let loose for one night!_

The bar had been pretty empty when they got there, but the alcohol flowed, the lights were dim, and the music was loud enough to drown out her thoughts. Adora had revelled in the feel of some muscular blonde’s hands all over her; she never had time to date and she’d forgotten how good the taste of a stranger could be when you were truly touch-starved. She‘d wanted more. She’d tugged gently on the woman’s hand to lead her to the bathroom - it had been years since she did anything like this – crashing through the doors blindly as they kissed, letting herself be pushed against the sink counter as a firm thigh drove between her legs, rough hands slipping under her shirt to hold her in place. Adora had felt like she’d been revived, moans pouring out both their mouths, grinding down on that thigh placed in just the right spot, the bristles of a stranger’s undercut tickling her fingertips. _Damn, I needed this._

In that moment, she couldn’t have cared less who came into the bathroom – there was nothing that could have possibly interrupted her chasing this release. Adora had felt more reckless than she ever had before and the sense of liberation coursing through her had made her giddy. She’d pushed the fingers gripping her waist aside to direct them south, guiding an eager hand past the jean buttons she’d hastily undone, beyond the waistband of her boyshorts until they were right where she had wanted them. She’d clenched her thighs, dropping forward into that hand, her clit bouncing against the heel of a hardened palm. _Christ, it had been so fucking long._

Adora’s kisses had gotten sloppier as she came closer to coming, rough fingers gliding through her labia, so dangerously close to entering…

_Just a little more, come on, nearly there-_

“Jesus, fuck.”

A bitter, acerbic voice had rung out from a toilet stall, the door swinging open noisily as she had finally been entered. Irritation had niggled at Adora – _this is literally the worst timing ever -_ but then-

_It can’t be…?_

Adora had pushed the blonde off her, so zoned out that she barely registered protests of disbelief. The blood pulsing through her head had somehow got even louder, her heart had started pumping double time.

She’d have recognised that voice anywhere.

Adora had drunk in the sight of her. Her friend – _were they still friends? –_ had looked so much skinnier than she’d remembered, her cheekbones harsher, her curls more defined. The edges of a tattoo crept out the open collar of her shirt across her left collarbone, black ink licking her skin like the slick eyeliner flicked across her lids. Even the way she’d slung a scruffy backpack over her shoulder had a sharpness to it that Adora didn’t recognise.

_What on earth is she doing here, of all places?_

She still hadn’t noticed Adora, grimacing at the running water as she washed her hands in the sink beside them.

“Don’t stop on my account.”

Adora had held her hand out in front of her like a barrier before the blonde could even move, her eyes still glued to tan skin and spattered freckles as she had buttoned her jeans back up. She’d barely registered it as the woman she’d been making out with just seconds before had left, muttering under her breath as the door slammed behind her.

The noise had jolted both of them, mismatched eyes finally darting up to the mirror, right into Adora’s reflection.

For a split second, it seemed like Catra had almost choked, colour draining from her face. She’d recovered just as quickly; Adora had no idea how it was even possible.

“Hey, Adora.”

A whole week later, Adora’s breath still hitched when she thought of it.

Her memory of how she’d convinced Catra to come home with her was hazy. One minute, she’d breezed past Adora to leave the bar, completely unperturbed by Adora’s attempts to get her to stay; the next, Catra had returned to ask her to call her an Uber, a crisp £10 note pressed into her palm in exchange. Adora had called the Uber, got her coat from the checkroom and just about forced Catra into her apartment. 

It had quickly become clear that Catra was running away rather than towards something. Adora made it her mission to figure out what the fuck had happened to her, and who this new version of Catra seemed to be. If there was anything Adora was good at, it was fixing problems; this would be the biggest puzzle she’d solve.

Adora eased the door open tentatively, as quietly as she could. She smiled under her breath. _How many times had I tiptoed around Catra sleeping in the past?_ She was nostalgic in a strange way for their old life in the care home, before her adoption and the rift between them started to fissure.

But the blankets had been thrown off the couch and Catra’s backpack was gone from its now-permanent spot by the coffee table.

Panic spread through Adora’s body like wildfire.

“Glimmer!”

She tore up the hallway, racing into Glimmer’s room. She was barely able to see through the tears threatening to pour down her cheeks.

Glimmer groaned, lifting her head gingerly off Bow’s bare chest. Adora had forgotten their mutual university friend, now Glimmer’s boyfriend, had come over the night before.

“Adora, it’s like 8am on a Sunday…”

It was Bow who noticed her distress first.

“Adora, what’s wrong?”

Adora’s shoulders shook as hoarse sobs fell from her throat.

“S-s-she’s gone…”

In a flash, she felt warm arms wrap around her; she was too distraught to object to Bow’s toplessness.

Glimmer stormed past them, dressed only in a thin vest top and tiny pyjama shorts.

“I told you, Adora-”

“This is not the time, Glim,” Bow’s voice rang out over Adora’s head, calm and clear. “Come on, let’s get some water.”

Bow nudged Adora out of Glimmer’s room, his arm slung around her shoulders. They joined Glimmer in the living room, where she was searching the room furiously.

“She’s taken the fucking Victoria Cross!”

Adora’s eyes widened.

“She can’t have… she wouldn’t!”

“She fucking has!” Glimmer spun round, her eyes staring into Adora’s with an ire she’d never seen before.

Glimmer was pretty domineering when it came to the décor of their flat, and the one thing that there was absolutely no budging on was the prime placement of her great-grandfather’s Victoria Cross medal on the living room mantelpiece. Adora’s heart sank lower than she thought possible. It was a priceless family heirloom, a mark of honour that Glimmer’s family had treasured since the First World War robbed them of an entire generation of brothers; what’s more, as the most prestigious military honour in the country, it had only taken Adora a few seconds on Google to find out it was worth hundreds of thousands of pounds.

She’d spent hours listening to Glimmer recount the story of how her great-grandfather, a decorated army surgeon, had worked for days under shells and gunfire as treated the wounded in clear sight of the enemy, inching far closer to enemy lines than any other medic even when night fell. It had been a huge deal when Glimmer’s mother had given her the Cross to safeguard when she moved abroad after her father’s recent death, a good luck charm to keep her on the straight and narrow.

She couldn’t imagine that Glimmer and her family would ever forgive her for this; she’d spend her entire life trying to convince them that she was still worthy of their acceptance. Until now, they’d been like a second family to her.

“Oh my God, she’s taken my work laptop as well!” Glimmer turned away from the dining room table where her USB mouse remained and sunk into the sofa, her head in her hands, “I wasn’t even supposed to take it out of the office. It’s got like national security shit on it!”

_How could this even be getting worse?_

Glimmer had joked for months that now she’d been promoted to new heights in the Civil Service, no-one would bat an eyelid if she brought her work home with her now and again. But they all knew that losing the documents on her laptop - even with all the security measures in place with quadruple verification - was an instantly fireable offence.

Adora was completely dumbfounded. She could only watch in a trance as Bow left her by the doorway to console Glimmer, with nothing to do but wonder what could have happened to set off this absurd chain of events, and whether she’d ever see Catra again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)
> 
> This chapter is a chance to learn more about Bow and Catra's relationship, and the role it plays in the dynamics that have developed in the group. It. was a really complicated chapter for me to write as I've actually never really written any male POVs before (let alone one as nuanced as Bow's character in the series), so I hope it comes off well! 
> 
> With the last couple of weeks I've had, this fic has no business taking up so much of my brain :p

Bow stared at the phone in his hand for a few minutes, not sure whether he’d played the whole thing completely wrong. What was it Catra always said? _The right tactics will get you wherever you need to be, Arrow Boy._ Pissing off Adora had not been a smart one.

“Hey.”

Bow turned to Glimmer, relieved to see – at least outwardly – that her anxiety was nowhere near matching his.

“It’s just Adora. She’s physically incapable of staying mad at anyone for long.”

“Yeah.”

Glimmer squeezed his hand.

“I’m really worried about her, Glim.”

“I know. I’m worried too.”

Glimmer leaned forward over the kitchen table and pushed Bow’s plate back towards him. His lunch had remained unfinished since midday.

“I’m not hungry.”

“It doesn’t do any of us any good if you don’t eat, Bow. Come on.”

Bow’s lip quivered as he took a deep breath, pulling his glasses off his face to rub his brow.

“I can’t figure out why she’d go AWOL like this. Something’s happened.” Glimmer drummed her finger on the side of the plate; Bow finally conceded, picking up a fork as he continued processing his thoughts aloud. “I don’t think it’s work – she’s just sold off some insane source code.”

Bow could sense Glimmer watching as he half-heartedly chewed cold pasta.

“You don’t think it’s to do with Adora, do you? It seems like things have been a bit…”

Glimmer’s voice trailed off as their eyes met. Neither of them wanted to open this Pandora’s box. _Had they pushed their friends too far, letting them do this?_

Bow didn’t want to entertain the thought, especially not given the weighty conversations he’d had with Catra in the past. He responded resolutely, feigning confidence. “I doubt it. With everything they’ve been through, they’re stronger than anyone.”

Glimmer nodded. Neither of them wanted to test the strength of his statement.

Bow ate in silence, one hand clasping Glimmer’s on the tabletop. Glimmer sniffed, a few plump tears falling as she blinked.

“She wouldn’t do anything risky, would she?”

Bow’s fork dropped with a clatter onto his plate; he immediately moved round the table towards his wife. He didn’t know how to fully answer the question. He and Catra had become so close since she’d stayed in Bright Moon, and Glimmer’s own relationship with her had come further in the past few months than it had in years. He was ninety-eight percent certain that Catra couldn’t be more careful. She’d been so consultative with them throughout the pregnancy, doing everything she could to keep them feeling wholly involved. In all honesty, she’d made more space for them in her life and thought so deeply about their needs and feelings (especially Glimmer’s) than he ever would have expected from a surrogate. More than Glimmer or Adora would ever know. But that remaining two percent refused to let his nerves settle.

Catra’s track record had improved so drastically – the person she was today was completely unrecognisable from the guarded woman he’d first met when Adora brought her home eight years ago. But Bow knew she would always operate in fight or flight mode. Given Catra’s history, it seemed like a modern miracle to him that she’d even stayed alive for this long, let alone flourished the way she had.

Anxiety, guilt and bewilderment pricked his brain relentlessly. He couldn’t understand why Catra, the woman usually so responsive and hyper-connected to her tech at all times, had now suddenly gone MIA. There were so many variables at this late stage in the pregnancy that could set off a harmful chain reaction; if Catra couldn’t see how this would affect them now, how could they fully trust that she’d look after herself and their child properly until the very end? Anything could be happening right this very second, and Glimmer and Bow could find themselves sidelined - or worse, absent - in the most important events to shape their lives yet. The realisation of powerlessness was devastating.

An uneasy concoction of desperate concern and unfamiliar anger simmered in Bow’s chest. He brought Glimmer towards him in a gentle hug, initiating physical assurance for his own benefit as much as hers.

“We’ll keep calling her. She has to pick up eventually.”

_She just has to._

* * *

Catra sat rigidly in the booth, her right leg crossed tightly over her left. It looked to Bow like she was doing anything she could to take up as little space as possible. He slid the craft beer menu across the table towards her.

“Pick your poison. It’s on me.”

Catra examined Bow, barely glancing at the list.

“You pick first.”

She pushed the glossy card back towards him, eyes trained on his face as he perused the options available. Bow felt like he was somehow undergoing a test, but he wasn’t sure what its purpose was.

Catra’s desire to take control of the situation wasn’t much of a shock to him. From the blurred explanations Bow had heard second-hand from Adora, she’d spent much of the past few years starved of any real agency. And that didn’t match up at all to the stories he’d heard about the firecracker version of Catra from Adora’s childhood, told long before the Victoria Cross incident had ever occurred.

Reconciling the different Catras he’d collected in his mind felt vital to understanding what the truth behind all the drama really was: the spirited care home kid; the elusive university friend of a friend; the mysterious returnee; the thief; the survivor; and now – what? Bow had no idea.

She’d clearly been surprised when he reached out to find out if she was free for a drink – to be fair, he probably would have been too if their roles were reversed. But given the extreme dissonance building between Adora and Glimmer when it came to the subject of Catra, Bow had a feeling that he’d soon end up playing peacemaker. He wanted to figure out what he was dealing with before that happened. Running into Catra at that local microbrewery had given him an in he didn’t even know he was searching for.

Beers paid for at the bar, Bow’s mind raced trying to come up with things to say to avoid more awkward silence as he made his way back to the booth with their drinks. But just as he was easing himself back into his seat, Catra got there first.

“So. You’re actually wearing cologne for this?”

Bow looked back at her quizzically. _She knows I don't think this is a date, right?_

“You got a problem with Paco Rabanne?”

Catra wrinkled her nose; Bow couldn’t believe how much her dissatisfaction got under his skin. It had only been five minutes, but he was inexplicably determined to impress her.

“Well, yes actually – it’s like the most basic one you could have picked.” She pulled her glass towards her from where Bow had set it on the table with remarkable steadiness, passing it under her nose without a single drop tipping over the rim. Her eyes glinted as she continued. “Apart from _Pour Homme_.”

Bow blushed. He had a bottle of that at home as well. Catra waved her hand lazily in the air, dismissing her own words before crossing her arms over her chest.

“But that’s not the point. It’s fucking up the scent of these.”

Bow blinked double-time as Catra frowned at the beers in front of them. _She did not come to play._

“Rookie mistake, I guess.”

She shrugged at him shrewdly, taking another short, sharp sniff of her glass before holding it up at eye level and inspecting – well, God knows what, Bow had no idea.

He brought his glass to his lips and they took their first sips at the same time. Quiet settled upon them comfortably for a few minutes as they nursed their beers.

“So, Rookie, what’s this all about then? Making sure I’m legit?”

Bow nearly choked on his mouthful at her bluntness. If this was the way she wanted to play it…

“I’ll give you an answer for an answer.”

Finally, he’d hit the right nerve. A small, sly smile spread across Catra’s lips for just a split second.

“I’m game.”

“Good. One question each round, no skipping, no single word responses.”

Catra tipped her head in approval, taking another sip. “Your ball.” 

“No agenda - figured if you’re sticking around, I might as well get to know you.” Bow rationalised that it was only a partial untruth; his usual optimism encouraged him to hope that Catra’s re-emergence in Bright Moon wasn’t just another temporary stint destined to unsettle all their interpersonal dynamics. Bow raised his glass. “How’d you become such an expert on this?”

Catra avoided his eye contact, running her finger round the rim of her glass to sluice the foam off, as if she was buying time to figure out whether or not to be honest.

“When you’ve no access to internet and you’re watched round the clock by a guy who appreciates a hop, you get good at the things that build your currency. Started to enjoy it for myself eventually.”

She sucked the foam off her thumb pensively, seemingly lost in thought before her wistfulness dissipated rapidly. Her eyes flicked back to Bow’s sharply. “What’s your excuse?”

Bow tilted his head.

“Eh, they order beers into the office on Fridays and a group of us started getting some craft IPAs in to make it more interesting. Went from there.”

Catra stifled a snort.

“What?”

“No offence, but I can’t really see you amongst a load of city lads knocking back cans.” She’d finally started to loosen up a little, uncrossing her legs as she slumped a little against her seat, “Where do you work anyway?”

“Hey, them’s not the rules.”

“You asked ‘what?’”

Bow scoffed incredulously. “Come on!”

“Don’t hate the player, Rookie.”

Bow shook his head in amusement. He’d started this game to get into Catra’s head, but she’d turned the tables on him with breakneck speed.

“I’m a UX consultant at Arrow Tech. We’re coming up on the Big Five so it’s pretty sweet right now.”

Catra rolled her eyes.

“I said I didn’t have internet, not that I’ve been living under a rock. We were in like six of the same classes at BMU.”

“We were?”

Bow wracked his brains for a memory of Catra in the Computer Science or a comment from Adora that they might come across each other on campus. But he was coming up blank, and it was mortifyingly obvious.

“Jesus, Arrow Boy. Nice to know how memorable I am.”

“Sorry!” Bow held his hands up in front of him in surrender, a smile twitching on his lips as he realised he’d gained his second nickname in the space of ten minutes. “Didn’t see you hanging out around the CompSci building, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Catra scratched the back of her ear; her whole demeanour had gone a little tender, “I didn’t really have much time for socialising back then.”

Bow drained his glass, savouring the last dregs of light amber liquid, “Sounded rough, three jobs and all of that.”

Catra furrowed her brow.

“Adora’s been chatting since I turned up, huh?”

Bow barked in sharp laughter – it seemed to surprise her.

“Adora hasn’t shut up about you since we all met in halls. The girl is non-stop.”

“Non-stop?”

Bow waited as Catra got lost in her own mind again. It was hard to read her: an enigma who drifted in and out of the present, whose brain seemed to be a labyrinth of carefully crafted defences.

“I would have gone into web dev. Or probably apps by now. I had a thing at Google to begin with that was really good, but it…” Catra cleared her throat definitively, shaking herself out of her haze. “It wasn’t feasible.”

Bow had read enough about Prime in the newspapers to know he probably hadn’t liked Catra being where he couldn’t keep eyes on her. Especially with her smarts.

“Anyway.” Catra picked up the beer list, twisting the thin card in her fingers. “You getting the next round or what?”

* * *

Catra sat with one leg on the wooden bench of the picnic table, her arm slung over her knee in the gentle sun. Bow had no idea how she always managed to sit in the least practical way possible. They were already halfway through the flights of beers they’d ordered, a packet of crisps gutted open between them.

Catra licked salt off her fingers and lifted her sunglasses off her face, perching them in her hair. Her excitement was palpable – Bow had never seen her worked up like this.

“So we’ve got a couple more meetings, but it seems like they’re actually gonna go for it!”

“Three for three, huh?”

“Yep – I told Entrapta we could dev the first three apps in eighteen months. And now we’ll have made a decent profit too!”

“It’s pretty impressive, can’t deny.”

A snarky grin spread across her face. “Not bad for a couple of clueless chicks, right?” 

A few weeks after that first beer Bow and Catra had shared, she’d reconnected with their old classmate Entrapta – Bow had definitely remembered seeing _her_ in their classes – and shortly after convinced her to pack in her stifling software engineering job. It hadn’t taken long for Entrapta to see the value of setting out on their own: not only had Catra failed to get even a basic entry level job despite her previously competitive credentials, but Entrapta was fast tiring of having her creativity suppressed by arrogant colleagues; she’d angered at how they’d both been underestimated and dismissed by men who claimed they knew code better. No exception to the rule, Bow had been embarrassed when he realised how successful Catra had been at university. Second only to Entrapta, she’d consistently achieved the highest marks in their year – and she’d somehow done it while dealing with all manner of difficult things. Four months of near 24/7 graft later, and they had sold their first app, still unfinished, to the highest bidder. It barely took another year before their turbo-charged timelines were catching the attention of industry insiders, and they were now fielding potential investors to take them through the next ten years. 

“Not bad at all.” Bow picked up the third small glass on his tray, teasing Catra to follow him. They went through their usual routine: smell, look, taste, discuss.

“So, how’s Adora?”

As expected after nearly two years of weekly get-togethers, Catra threw it right back at him.

“How’s _Glimmer_?”

Catra had become increasingly reserved about her relationship with Adora. It had been a shock to nobody but Catra when they had finally got together around nine months ago, but she still seemed uncertain sometimes, like she was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her. Bow didn’t know whether Catra had dated any women before, or even just anyone aside from Prime. He reckoned if nudged gently, she’d start to open up. Catra was the kind of person with whom you had to tread carefully – strike too hard, too soon and you’d be frozen out permanently. The frosty nature of her relationship (if you could call it that) with Glimmer was testament to it.

“That’s a more complicated question.” Catra’s eyebrow arched with suspicion at Bow’s response, “Adora first.”

Clearly thrown off by what he’d said, Catra tilted her head, dropping her leg to the floor so she could sit up straight.

“She’s good.” Bow stayed quiet, making it clear he expected her to elaborate. “We’ve just been taking things slow...” Her voice trailed off momentarily. “It was good I moved in with Entrapta at the start. We’ve been able to let things go a bit more… naturally.”

“But…?”

Catra sighed, her eyes fixated on her hands. Her voice was barely audible; Bow had to strain to hear her.

“It’s just hard to get a handle on things. Like, if she says she loves me, how do I know that she actually does? That it’s not part of some plan?”

Bow waited for her, keenly aware that Catra had probably never said any of this aloud. He hadn’t expected the conversation to turn in this direction, but he felt oddly warm inside that she trusted him this much, that he must make her feel safe.

“What if I do something that makes her… I just… I always set people off, right? And I really, _really_ don’t want…" She paused for what felt like hours, "I don’t want to make her hate me.”

Bow stretched his hand out on the table slowly, palm facing upwards – an open invitation for the off-chance she wanted it rather than a request. Catra’s fingers twitched.

“Catra.” Bow waited for her to raise her eyes, or at least meet him halfway. When she was looking at his hands, he spoke. “You never made anyone – especially not him – do anything. And the last thing you could possibly do is make Adora hate you.”

Catra stayed unnervingly silent, a few rogue tears rolling down her cheeks. Bow adamantly held his tears back; he was certain that a reaction like that could be disastrously unhelpful in such a volatile conversation, especially with Catra.

“I made Glimmer hate me.”

She was finally looking at him, studying his face nervously while still avoiding eye contact.

Bow took a deep breath. The only thing that was going to work here was absolute transparent honesty, even if it was hard to say.

“Catra… Glimmer hated what you did. But she’s incapable of hating _you_. It’s just the way she is sometimes, making it seem that way.” Catra frowned. “Believe me – you’re far from the only one who’s been in her bad books! But seriously,” Bow paused, holding the space between them with such care it seemed as if it could shatter in an instant, “she’s a slow-burner when it comes to grudges but she’ll come around eventually, I promise. There’s just a lot going on for her right now, with the wedding and all the embryo-freezing stuff.”

He felt Catra’s fingers close over his at long last. It felt like a kind of victory – of what, he wasn’t sure.

“She cares about Adora so much. And I know that if Adora loves you even a fraction of the amount that it is _abundantly_ clear she does, she’ll be your biggest fan. She’s just taking a little longer to move past stuff, okay?”

Catra sniffed. They sat in the sun for a while longer, breaking their hands apart to drink their final beer in the flight. A while later, they got ready to leave, Catra embracing Bow in a hug different to any he remembered them sharing before.

“Thank you.”

“You bought the drinks, Cat.”

He held her for a moment longer, knowing she was soundlessly grateful to him for cutting through the heaviness of it all.

“See ya next week, Arrow Boy.”

“Not if I see you first.”

* * *

“You can’t tell Adora, okay?”

Catra looked up at Bow in surprise. It wasn’t typical for one of them to invoke a secrecy pact when it came to their partners.

“Okay.”

Bow hesitated, unsure if he should press ahead.

“I mean it. Glimmer is being very bunker mode about the entire thing, and she doesn’t even know the half of it.”

“It’s just between us. What’s going on?”

Bow could read the concern on Catra’s face. They’d had a lot of difficult conversations over the years, to the point where they could grade levels of anxiety in a single glance, or sense how much a joke had really landed to minute degree.

In the grand scheme of things, this really wasn’t such a big secret, was it? If anything, it was just premature. _We were planning on telling them both in a couple of weeks anyway. You’d have to start this conversation before then, sooner rather than later._

“Bow. You can tell me anything.”

He paused as the bartender set their beers in front of them. Catra’s eyes were trained on him hawkishly; he forgot how intense she could be when her attention was wholly focused on something. Bow took a long first sip of his drink. Catra followed suit, no ritual whatsoever.

_Here we go._

“We decided we’re ready.”

Catra tilted her brow towards him in question.

“For a baby. We’ve been researching how to find a surrogate.”

“Wow.” Catra’s hand grasped his on the bar, “Bow, that’s incredible.”

Bow pulled his hand away, his knee shaking.

“She’s so excited about it. I haven’t seen her be so hopeful about it all in years.”

“So what’s the problem? This is good, isn’t it?”

Bow trembled as he inhaled. _No going back._

“I didn’t tell anyone that I invested half my savings in MystaCorp.”

Catra’s eyes widened. Bow didn’t need to hear her say it to know it was running through her mind: _Oh, fuck._

A good four or five years ago, he’d been at the end of his tether. His boss at Arrow Tech was fucking him around, shifting his deadlines left, right and centre. And for two quarters in a row, Bow’s commission structure was tweaked, each time cheating him out of his full bonus on negligible margins. He’d been so unbelievably close to packing it all in and taking Catra up on her frequently repeated offer to join her newly established team.

But then an old friend had reached out, looking for a final investor for his start-up. Bow had reviewed the business plans at length with his financial advisor; moreover, the other investors were completely legit. He put in the money from all his bonuses over the previous few years that hadn’t already gone into their wedding or the fertility treatment. It wasn’t that he didn’t tell Glimmer – he _had_ to make sure Catra understood this – it’s just that at the time, she’d been a little depressed since they cancelled the honeymoon, and she’d made it clear before that she trusted him with money more than she did herself. She knew that he’d put some money into a promising venture, but not exactly what and not quite how much.

He could still feel the chill of his blood running cold when he got a call from his broker twelve weeks ago. MystaCorp, which had been performing significantly above expectations and had accrued a shit ton of cash so far, had suffered a monumental security failure just days before he’d planned to sell his shares. It had been the biggest news in the entire tech community all year; a cautionary tale that Catra, more than anyone else, was acutely aware of. The tens of thousands he was planning to move into their joint savings account – that would fund any additional expenses incurred in their path to a family – melted into nothing.

“I thought I’d have more time to build it back up. I’ve got other stocks that are performing better, but not quickly enough, not even with my joining bonus from the new job. And I can’t do this to her – after everything that's happened, I can’t be the thing getting in the way of what she deserves. I’d never forgive myself.”

Catra’s stable voice steadied him, her question almost business-like.

“How expensive is it, to get the surrogate?”

“If it’s not someone you know who's volunteered, it’s really bad.”

“Shit.”

Bow let out a single explosive sob; through all their years of friendship, he’d never properly cried in front of Catra, but admitting the gravity of the situation had taken a toll on him far greater than he’d anticipated.

“I don’t know how to tell her.”

Catra took Bow’s left hand in both of hers.

“We’ll figure it out. If there’s a will, there’s a way.”

“Catra-“

“I promise you, okay?”

Catra's words were comforting, but Bow couldn't imagine what kind of solution she could possibly come up for something as big as this. 

"Let's work out how you can talk to Glim first, and leave the rest until later."

True to form, Catra never said a word to anyone about what Bow had told her. But when Glimmer insisted they share their news before he'd worked up the courage to intercept her, he hadn't known what to do. For months afterwards, he'd replay Catra's knee-jerk offer over and over again in his head.

_This was completely nuts, wasn't it?_

Bow felt trapped helplessly between shame, gratitude and relief. But above all, he was desperate to make sure Glimmer was never let down again. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slow update... it has been a very intense week, work-wise and personally. But we made it to the weekend!
> 
> If you want a soundtrack, the song referenced in the first part is First Aid Kit's cover of Kate Bush's 'Running Up That Hill' (absolute tune), which has been playing in my head on loop.
> 
> As always, please do feed me comments! I love hearing your thoughts and they really help me think of new ideas and directions that improve the plan in my head for this fic :)

It had been two hours since she spoke to Bow and Adora still hadn’t managed to get through to Catra.

_This is not like her._

It didn’t help that Adora’s brain was still unbearably fuzzy from the string of nightshifts she’d pulled that week - it had taken her thirty minutes just to realise that Catra had taken the car keys. _She really could be anywhere by now…_ It was equally unhelpful that Adora’s stubbornness was stopping her from calling Bow back. She knew both he and Glimmer would be there in an instant if she asked them to drive her around. She just didn’t want to prove them right. _Catra’s past all that - she’d never take off like that again. She wouldn’t leave me!_

_Would she?_

Her stomach throbbed as it rumbled, dulling her mind further.

Adora hadn’t eaten for nearly twenty hours, but the idea of cooking rather than working out where Catra had gone seemed untenable. She steadied herself on the kitchen counter for a second, staring at Bow’s contact details on her phone and the list of missed calls she’d had from him and Glimmer in the past hour. _Just call them, for fuck’s sake. The only important thing is that we find her!_

She tore her eyes away from the screen with a groan as her stomach twisted again.

_Well, I won’t be any help if I faint, will I?_

Adora wrenched the fridge door open, picking at the leftovers Catra had boxed up the day before. She couldn’t justify warming up or plating anything; she just stood in the cold light of the fridge, door ajar, trying to ignore the countless intrusive thoughts pulsing through her. 

_If you really love her as much as you think you do, you’d know where she went_

_It must be the baby - you got too domestic. You scared her_

_You should have hidden it better; you made her feel like she pushed you away_

_This is all their fault - you should never have agreed to do this_

_You’re a terrible person – they were your friends first and now you’re screwing everything up! Don’t you want them to be happy?_

_What kind of person even are you?_

Adora couldn’t eat any longer. She shoved the Tupperware plastic back onto the shelf clumsily, barely sealing the lid as nausea washed over her.

She had to get past this. She ran through the list of all the places she’d checked Catra could be so far.

_There’s nothing in her calendar._

_She’s not at the hospital._

_She hasn’t gone to see Scorpia._

_She isn’t with police._

_She can’t be at a pub – she only ever used to go with Bow anyway._

_She thinks the cinema is boring._

_The pizza place she likes is shut on Mondays._

_None of the neighbours say she’s visited them (though why the hell would she?)_

_She’d never have gone to the gym for more than an hour, especially not now._

_It’s too late for her to be swimming, she hates it after school hours when the pool’s full of kids and pushy parents._

_It’s too dark for any of her old walking routes._

_They haven’t seen her at the supermarket._

Adora’s eye caught Catra’s guitar on its stand in the corner of the living room. She’d been a little down the past couple of weeks as her belly had gotten too big to play it anymore, not even if she shifted it to the side – the angle just wrecked her wrist. But that wasn’t cause for concern, was it? Adora tore through her memories of the past month, looking for any clue. Catra had been humming some acoustic 80s cover under her breath for days. Adora hadn’t thought much of it, even though the lyrics were kind of fragile. Afterall, it’s not like Catra - who was totally fine the last time Adora saw her - was having some kind of mental breakdown that she was too blinkered to see coming. One song didn’t mean anything, did it?

 _No, of course it can’t. Can it?_ _Oh my God, you are going absolutely fucking mad._

It was no use. Adora had to get her shit together and get on the road before she lost all sense of sanity. She decided to give herself one more out before she finally gave in and returned Bow’s calls.

For the third time that hour, she rang Entrapta’s mobile – finally, _thank God,_ her call didn’t go to voicemail.

“Adora! I see you’ve rung me twice already since 5:32pm. Are you running an experiment?”

Adora fought to keep her tone steady. She usually had such patience for Entrapta’s distinctive way of seeing the world, but after the day she’d had... “No, Entrapta. I-”

“Hmm… in that case, it seems like there might be some kind of emergency that required you to ring me multiple times. But as we have been making very important progress on the alpha component of our testing before it progresses to the beta stage, it has been entirely necessary to work in a closed environment with no distractions!“

Adora stopped listening. _We? Does this mean Catra’s just been working all day on some stupid piece of software?_

Adora didn’t know whether she was feeling extreme anger, relief or plain ass hope. She interrupted Entrapta mid-sentence.

“Please, can you just put Catra on?”

“Catra?” Adora’s heart sunk as Entrapta’s confusion seeped through her words, “Adora, Catra is on maternity leave because she is 34.5 weeks pregnant.”

Adora rolled her eyes. There was no ‘point five’ when it came to pregnancy, and Entrapta’s insatiable need for granularity had driven her round the bend for months (even when she was in a good mood).

“I _know_ that-”

“This is a highly surprising conversation given your profession and severe tendency towards overprotectiveness in relation to Catra.” Adora groaned as Entrapta continued, oblivious to her attempts to get a word in edgeways. “Are you not tracking her progress even though you will not be raising the child?”

“Yes, we are tracking it, Entrapta. But Catra has been missing all day.”

“Missing? Is she not resting at home for her health? That is the primary purpose of maternity leave, according to company guidance.”

“She’s not at home. And because she isn’t answering her phone, I can’t figure out where she is.”

“Oh. That is quite concerning.”

“Yeah. It is.”

A silence settled between them for a second.

“Well, no worry – I’ll just track Catra’s phone. It’ll only take seconds to find her!”

Adora bristled. _Does Entrapta think I’m a complete idiot?_ She had already tried checking the GPS location of Catra’s phone multiple times but it was turned off, and she couldn’t see anything on their bank records suggesting that Catra had bought anything the entire day using her phone or by card; not even food or water.

“I’ve tried that, Entrapta!”

Entrapta laughed heartily, fully tickled. Adora’s blood could have boiled.

“You don’t have my equipment, Adora! I’m the only person with encrypted access to the tracker I placed on Catra’s devices.”

“You tracked her?”

The clash of outrage and relief swallowed her up once again. She could hear Entrapta typing furiously on her keyboard already, the violent clattering of her fingertips echoing down the phone line.

“Of course! You do remember that Catra has disappeared multiple times since we attended university? Not to mention the fact that she is always leaving the office for hours at a time because she says she-”

A lightbulb went off in Adora’s head. _How didn’t I think of this sooner?_

“She thinks better at the park.”

“Well, she’s not at the one she usually likes right now, but I have the co-ordinates-“

All of a sudden, Adora’s brain fog lifted and the dread that had consumed her body for hours started to drain out.

“’Trapta, I know where she is.”

* * *

Adora watched Catra with bated breath. They’d both gone very, very still: one in anticipation, the other in disbelief.

“D’you mean it?”

Catra’s words confused Adora.

“Of course… I want this more than anythi-!”

She couldn’t finish her sentence before Catra was on top of her, her lips pressing against Adora’s with unbelievable certainty. Catra’s weight pressed her deeper and deeper into the grass; she could feel the prickle of every blade and the fuzz of crushed dandelions under the exposed skin of her back.

“There’s kids everywhere.” Adora murmured limply into Catra’s cheek, only half committed.

“Doesn’t sound to me like you care much.”

Adora moaned as Catra nipped at her bottom lip, kissing her back chastely to try and slow them down. This action was having an effect on her; and not the kind she could respond to at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon in public.

She rubbed at Catra’s arm soothingly, exhaling as she felt Catra shift off of her and curl into her side, the warmth of Catra’s head on Adora’s chest soaking through the thin linen of her sundress. She wished they could do this every day, forever; it reminded her why she’d asked the question in the first place.

“So, I take it that’s a yes?”

Catra’s arm tightened around her waist, but she didn’t say anything. Adora waited for what felt like an eternity. She couldn’t hear anything but the steady rise and fall of Catra’s breath, just as consistent as it was before Adora couldn’t stop herself from blurting it out. She’d wanted to ask for weeks, but she didn’t know how. And then she recognised it. This was the moment. They were in one of Catra’s favourite places, and thanks to the deal she’d closed the day before on the company’s third app, she was in a fantastic mood. The conditions couldn’t be better.

Adora’s heart started to drum faster, her panic only exacerbated by the realisation that Catra’s face was laid right across her sternum, and she’d never even be able to pretend that she wasn’t about to break due to the disappointment.

“I want to. But…”

Adora pushed herself to be reasonable. She was moving too fast, and it had been so good for them, having space and taking it slow.

“I-It’s best if you stay with Entrapta. What with the company and everything.” She squeezed Catra’s arm, willing the devastation to hold off until she could get herself home and into bed to process the whole thing alone. “I get it.”

“No!”

Adora’s eyes blinked open, a couple of stray tears streaming out that she couldn’t hold in.

“That’s not what I meant!”

Catra pushed herself up on her elbow, gasping slightly as she saw the tear-tracks on Adora’s face.

“You idiot.” She smoothed her thumb over Adora’s cheeks softly, soaking up the damp trails. “I want to move in with you so, so badly.”

Adora stared up into Catra’s eyes. She understood the science, but really, she could never quite get her head around how they could be so starkly, beautifully different. She got lost sometimes, stuck halfway between those amber and teal irises.

“It’s just…” Adora watched as conflict contorted Catra’s face, before she lay herself back down on her chest. She waited again for Catra to say something. Then eventually: “I need some time to think before I can explain it properly.”

“Okay.”

Adora closed her eyes, running her hand through Catra’s hair absentmindedly. She knew Catra must be deep in thought; she’d never let her ruin her curls like this usually, especially in this heat and when they had a long walk back through the city.

Maybe thirty minutes had passed before she heard Catra speak again, a definite cautiousness clear in her tone. 

“You know when we were kids and I’d sneak out early from school?”

Catra paused for long enough that Adora didn’t feel like she was interrupting. “I hated it when you did that. It made me-“

“Worry, I know. But after you got fostered, I couldn’t help myself. I’d just find myself in Garnet Park without even realising where I was going.”

“Garnet Park? That’s kind of a rough part of town.”

“Everywhere around the Fright Zone was a rough part of town, Adora. Remember?”

It had been a long time since either of them had mentioned the old nickname for the neighbourhood of their care home. It was like they’d had an unspoken agreement to censor it out since they left for Bright Moon.

“Anyway,” Catra continued, her eyelashes fluttering against Adora’s breast as she blinked, “I just felt like I couldn’t think straight until I was there. And most the time, I only thought about the same thing over and over again.”

“What was it?”

She heard Catra gulp nervously.

“Where my home was supposed to be if you weren’t there.”

_Oh._

Adora’s heart swelled. Her voice came out in a squeak.

“Even then?”

“Especially then. I just didn’t understand what it meant.”

A cloud passed over them, shielding them from the sun. Adora teased her eyes open further than her previous squint.

“So, come home.”

Catra sighed, sadness spreading through the air between them.

“That’s the point. I never chose anywhere, did I? I just fell into one place after another, wherever someone wanted me or where I could afford.”

Adora waited for her to say it.

“I’ve never really had a home of my own.”

“And you’re not sure you just want to move into mine?”

Catra fell quiet for a few seconds, her breaths soft.

“I want something that’s mine… _Ours_.”

Adora could practically hear the gears working in Catra’s head. She’d never ask Adora to do it, but she didn’t really need to.

“We’ll have to start looking then.”

“…Really? But you love your place. _I_ love your place.”

“Catra. It’s not your home. So, it’s not mine either. Besides, we could probably find something decent if we bought together.”

“Adora-“

“I’m tired of throwing away half my pay check on rent.”

She felt Catra squeeze her fingers.

“So, we’ll find a flat? We’re really doing this?”

“Mm-hmm. Together.”

* * *

By now, the autumn sky was a thick navy, dull stars in the distance just visible over the grimy streetlamps.

Adora couldn’t believe what she was seeing: Catra dozing under a tree, a large brown envelope still gripped tightly in her hands on her lap.

It had been years since she’d been here – no, decades. She glanced back at Bow’s car as she made her way across the uneven tarmac, dodging jagged cracks and miniature potholes. She was grateful they’d listened to her and agreed to stay in the car while she looked for Catra; there were shades of shame that Adora still grappled with, and she didn’t have the resilience right now for Bow and Glimmer to see where she came from or who she really was. The Fright Zone would have that effect on you – it could yank the biggest insecurities out of you in seconds, undoing all the therapy, self-actualisation, and years of having parents who could – and did! – actually love you.

Even when it was totally empty, Garnet Park somehow looked almost exactly the same as she remembered it. There were just a few more overfilled recycling bins dotted around, and an extra dent or two in the fence. She wondered whether the kids that hung out here these days did the same things they used to do; whether there was another mini runner who ran laps around the grass, cheered on by her best friend. Or a group cramming themselves into the faded rubber tyre swing, shoving each other off and claiming dibs on that one outside spot that always got higher, moved faster, felt freer to sit on. It dawned on Adora that she didn’t have a single memory of being here that hadn’t involved Catra. It was strange to think that Catra’s memories of this park must be so entirely different.

How many times had Catra sat here alone, just like she was doing now?

Adora shook her head, wondering how on earth she’d managed to stay here all day. Catra must be the only heavily pregnant person she’d ever interacted with who’d rather get twigs up her arse than sit in the comfort of her own home to relax. Though knowing her girlfriend, Adora doubted Catra had come here for that purpose.

She approached Catra with tremendous cautiousness. The last thing she wanted to do was shock her to death.

She knelt by her, ghosting her thumb over the back of Catra’s hand, adding pressure slowly but surely.

“Catra.” Adora spoke so softly, she wondered if she stood out from the cool wind at all. “It’s time to wake up.”

Slowly, Catra started to stir, sucking in her breath as her eyes began to squint open.

“Adora?”

Adora held Catra’s cheek in her hand. Her skin was so cold.

“What are you doing here?”

“What am _I_ doing here? This is my tree.”

Adora started rubbing Catra’s right hand between both of hers, trying to warm her up. She really needed to buy her a new coat, even if it was just for the next couple of months – despite her protestations, Catra really couldn’t spend the whole winter with her coat open thanks to the bump.

“Your tree, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Catra brought her hand up to her Adora’s face this time.

“You look so worried.”

“I’ve been looking for you all day.”

“You have?” Catra frowned, apparently only just noticing the night sky. “What time is it?”

“It’s seven thirty, babe.”

“It is?”

“Yeah. You’ve been missing all day. Gave us quite a scare.”

“Oh, shit… I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean-” Catra’s eyes widened in fear, a realisation washing over her, “’Are Bow and Glimmer okay? Are they mad at me?”

“No, no… they’re not mad. But you can’t do this, you know.” Adora rested her hand on Catra’s stomach, her touch reciprocated with a firm nudge from the inside. Catra winced. “Not like this.”

“Not with my track record.”

Adora didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t like to talk about it, the times she’d had no idea where Catra was, who had her, whether she’d ever see her again. She’d planned to get Catra warmed up in the car, back home ASAP. But she could tell Catra needed more time. And when it came to what Catra needed, it was never an option for Adora not to give it. She hung on, waiting for Catra to continue, trying not to worry about the temperature and the fact that Catra likely hadn’t eaten in hours.

“I’m so tired, ‘Dor. I haven’t been anywhere without thinking about whether they’d be okay with it. It’s nothing they’ve done or said… But sometimes I feel like I’m just a vessel and not a human anymore.”

Adora felt heavy. She’d no idea Catra was feeling so powerless in the situation; she always seemed so assured and in control throughout this whole pregnancy.

“It’s not long now. And then it won’t matter. We can go wherever we want. We can get _sushi_!”

Catra laughed softly.

“Fuck me, I never thought it was possible to crave uncooked fish so much!”

The shake of her shoulders rustled the stiff envelope still clutched in Catra’s left hand, catching Adora’s attention.

“What’s this?”

Catra looked down, suddenly fixated on the envelope.

“Oh. I’ve been staring at it all day. I can’t bring myself to open it… That’s kind of why I came here.” Catra turned it over in her fingers, tracing her name printed on its front. “When I got my funding applications back from BMU, I didn’t open them for days. I came here, and eventually I could. But it’s not working. I still can’t do it.”

“What’s in there?”

Catra finally caught Adora’s eye, her voice barely a whisper. “My records. I never thought I’d get access.”

“Catra…”

“I picked them up from the home first thing. I was going to read them after the ante-natal-” She froze, eyes flicking ahead in alarm. “Oh shit, I completely forgot!”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Catra sighed heavily. “I just… I didn’t expect it to throw me like this. I drove round and round in circles. Must have been hours. And then I was here.”

“Your thinking spot.”

“Yeah.” Catra stared ahead, wistfully. “I always thought this, well, this place, was who I was. But what if I’ve been wrong all this time? What if I’m someone else?”

Adora opened her mouth to speak, but Catra turned to her, her eyes full of trepidation. “What if I have a family, and they still don’t want me?”

Adora took Catra’s shaking hands in hers, their palms closing around the envelope. She leaned forward, resting their foreheads together.

“You have a family, ok? And I want you so, so much. Know why?” Catra sniffed, her chin quivering. “Because I know _exactly_ who you are, and it isn’t the Fright Zone, or what’s in that envelope. It’s your courage and kindness. Generosity, intelligence. Your determination. It’s how you’ve overcome more shit than anyone I’ve ever known and still somehow manage to make room for so many people. And the only thing I care about in the entire world is how I get to be the person that loves you.”

She leaned in, kissing Catra tenderly.

“I don’t want you to forget that, ever.”

Catra shivered as they huddled together; Adora could feel Catra's stomach shifting in their embrace, her hand coming up to rest on the side of her rounded belly. It was incredible, how much had changed, how normal it felt now. She got to her feet, starting the awkward process of getting Catra to her feet and supporting her balance as she shook out the pins and needles. Catra directed her to where she’d parked the car, waiting for Adora to text Bow and Glimmer that they’d make their own way home before handing her the keys to drive.

Safely buckled in, they sat in silence as the heater got going, Adora passing Catra a cereal bar from her pocket that Bow and Glimmer had brought from home.

“Will you open it with me? When we get home?”

Of course, Adora did, holding Catra as she cried, trying to make sense of the history that neither of them would have expected to unfold in front of them. Gaining access to a world so unfamiliar, they would never have guessed that day how much of a role one thin envelope would play in their path ahead. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the longest one yet, so buckle up!  
> Comments/feedback always deeply appreciated :)

They’d been having the same conversation for weeks, going round and round in circles.

“I just don’t get it, Glim. Am I going mad?”

For the umpteenth time, Glimmer squeezed Adora under the covers, shaking her head.

“Of course not, hon. The signals were super confusing.”

Adora let out a frustrated whine.

“I was so sure of it, you know? It seemed like she _really_ liked me. And it doesn’t make sense, how all of it can add up to nothing! The touching, and the lingering hugs and the ‘oh my God, you smell so good’…” Adora’s eyes rolled back into her head as she put on a mocking voice. “Not to mention she didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend for three months! Three months! Who she’d repeatedly referred to as a _friend_!”

Glimmer rubbed Adora’s shoulder soothingly. She was so thoroughly bored of hearing this spiral again, but she’d never let Adora know that – the only way she’d ever gotten anything out of her system was to talk about it until her brain was fried and there was nothing left of it in her soul.

_Holy Mother, please let her get over this goddamn straight girl soon._

“I mean, who the fuck does that?” Adora faltered, her tone suddenly becoming melancholy. “How could I get it so wrong?”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself! Honestly, it kind of seems like she _did_ feel something but didn’t know what to do with it.” Glimmer scolded herself mentally as she realised she might have just prolonged the cool-off period she’d been trying so hard to hasten; she had to get it back on track, stat. “Look, either way – she’s clearly immature and can’t see past her own nose. Do you actually want to be with someone who fucks you about like that? It’s kind of a red flag, babe.”

Adora quietened for a second – like she always did at this point in the conversation – and curled her legs tighter under herself, breaking off a square of chocolate from one of the many half-eaten bars strewn across the duvet over them.

“I just wish it could be easier. Seems like when everyone else likes someone, they like them back. But I’m stuck trying to work out if a girl is woke or gay.”

Glimmer chuckled. Finally, things had taken a different turn than usual.

“Woke or gay, huh?”

“The perennial question!” Adora jabbed a finger in the air before their faces. “Honestly, it’s like I’m on the waiting list for a gaydar upgrade. Social justice is ruining my love life!”

Glimmer raised an eyebrow, laughing at her friend. Adora harumphed, knowing full well she was being ridiculous.

“You say some really dumb shit sometimes, Adora.”

“Yeah well, easy for you to say, Miss ‘just casually fell in love with my best friend and now I’m getting married and in five years, I’ll probably have like a million insanely gorgeous babies’.”

Glimmer nudged Adora jokingly. “I think a million is probably a stretch.”

Glimmer watched as Adora buried herself further into the pillows. She hoped things would take a turn for the better soon for her friend: over the past couple of years since Glimmer had moved in with Bow and Adora had found her own place closer to work – the decision that had saved their friendship following the eventful visit of _she who must not be named_ – Adora had suffered the failures of one consecutive almost-romance after another. Glimmer could understand her frustration. It can’t have been easy, watching your two closest friends move on together in the very way that you’d always craved. And there was something about the way Adora navigated romance that made Glimmer suspect she was secretly holding out for someone; she always seemed to chase flirtations that were obviously doomed to fail.

Her mind flitted back to Adora’s offhanded baby comment, holding her attention a little longer than she’d have liked. A few weeks ago, she (and consequently, Bow) had caught a horrific viral bug, and her stomach was much slower to fully recover than his – extreme nausea had become an unwanted yet expected part of her morning routine. In all honesty, she couldn’t remember whether she’d managed to keep the pill down every day; time had become a fuzzy, incongruous thing when they were in the thick of it. Glimmer resolved that if the queasiness didn’t pass over the next few weeks, she’d get herself checked out properly. What did she always tell Adora? _No point panicking before there’s even a problem._

The sound of Adora’s phone ringing jarred her out of her thoughts.

“Weird, it’s a withheld number.”

Glimmer stretched her arms out, wondering who could be calling at 1am in the morning to interrupt their impromptu sleepover. She only half-listened as Adora answered a string of questions on the phone, not paying attention to the stark change in her demeanour until Adora dragged herself groggily out of bed, pulling a jumper on over her pyjama top and stepping out her shorts.

“Okay, I’m on my way in – I’ll be there in thirty.”

Glimmer peered at Adora from the bed.

“What’s going on? It’s really late.”

Adora swiped her leggings and socks off the floor and pulled them on, not even stopping to look at Glimmer. “I have to go to the hospital.”

“Oh, I thought you weren’t on call?”

“I’m not.” Glimmer noticed Adora had paused, her whole body tensing up a little. She laid her palm on Adora’s shoulder to reassure her, rubbing it gently with her thumb. _What could be going on?_ “They have Catra.” Glimmer’s hand stilled. “Apparently I’m registered as her emergency contact.”

_Catra? I should have known she’d turn up again._

Adora seemed to be waiting for her to say something, but she must have taken too long; she shrugged Glimmer’s hand off her shoulder, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers. Glimmer could tell Adora was super stressed – that had always been her tell.

“Fuck, it’s too late to bike. I’m gonna have to call an Uber.”

Glimmer sat in silence as Adora jammed her Doc Martens on, tugging a windbreaker over her hoodie. She looked in the mirror for a second, then pulled it off again, trying on a denim jacket instead. Adora’s right leg was shaking with nervous energy.

_Is she seriously worrying about what she’s wearing right now? There’s definitely more to this than she’s let on._

Glimmer groaned to herself. _I am such a good fucking friend sometimes._

“Come on, ‘Dora. I’ll drive you.”

Glimmer could have winced at the surprise on Adora’s face as she reached to put her bra back on under the oversized t-shirt she’d borrowed when she’d spontaneously agreed to stay over.

“Really?”

“Yes. Now shut up and grab the chocolate. The only way we’re getting through this is with sugar.”

Adora had barely moved an inch by the time Glimmer was ready to leave, keys in hand.

“Jesus, Adora, what are you hanging around for? Come on!”

That seemed to jog Adora out of her stupor; the two of them left the apartment and made into the night, the flashing lights of Glimmer and Bow’s car illuminating the pavement ahead of them as she unlocked it. They bundled in, and it wasn’t long until they were already on the main road, alone aside from a few drifters and a cruising police car in the distance.

The drive went more quickly than they anticipated at this time of night; Glimmer was grateful for that. The whole time, Adora’s ceaseless fidgeting plucked at her nerves. It wasn’t until they got to the hospital and Glimmer told Adora to go ahead while she found somewhere to park that she felt like she could breathe again.

Glimmer wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. Parked up, she sat in the car for another ten minutes, hands still gripped on the steering wheel. She had no idea what kind of state Catra was going to be in, what Catra would want from Adora, or what response Adora would have to her. But Glimmer already felt so out of control, and she could feel the anger simmering under her skin already. She still felt so weak from that bug; the last thing she needed was an explosive argument with Adora over Catra. She did the only thing that made sense.

Glimmer waited while the calling tone played out through the car speakers.

_Please pick up, please pick up._

“Glim?” Glimmer inhaled as Bow’s drowsy voice trickled through the air. “Everything okay?”

“She’s back.”

“What? Who? Aren’t you staying over at Adora’s?”

“It’s Catra.”

“ _Catra_? Glim, what are you talking about?”

“Catra’s back,” Glimmer’s voice finally cracked, “We’re at the hospital.”

Bow sounded more alert now. “Hold up – lemme take a step back. You’re at the hospital? And Catra is there?”

“Adora got a call. But I don’t know what’s going on. I just… I don’t know if I can hold my shit together around her.”

“Okay-“

“Bow, I’m so angry I could literally combust. It’s like that night all over again.”

“Come home. I’ll text Adora. She can get a cab later, it’ll be fine.”

“I can’t do that. I should-”

“Yes, you can. You blow up at Adora and it’s game over. And if she’s sick enough to be in hospital, laying into Catra is only going to make it worse.” He paused. “Love, I know it seems right now like it would, but it really won’t feel good.”

Glimmer groaned. He was right. This was why she called him, wasn’t it? To talk her down. She told Bow she’d be back in twenty and fired off a short apology text to Adora, so quick that there wasn’t time to change her mind.

_Not such a good friend after all, then._

On the way home, she let herself speed up a little more on the motorway than she should, the thrill of risk tapping into her adrenaline. 

She crawled into bed next to Bow, relief sinking into her when she felt his arm fold around her in the darkness.

“You stayed up?”

“Mmmhmm.” His throat was thick with sleep.

“I’m the worst friend.”

“Shhh.” Bow nestled into the curve of Glimmer’s neck. “Lesser evils.”

It took Glimmer ages to get to sleep, her ear half trained on her phone, expecting a notification from Adora or some kind of confirmation that she hadn’t… what? Fucked up? Behaved in exactly the kind of way she suspected Adora thought she did when they lived together: _selfish, controlling, domineering_? Adora had never said anything but Glimmer always felt self-conscious about it, especially after that first argument in the gym. Their bickering had gotten worse for weeks before Bow eventually intervened.

Eventually, Glimmer drifted into dreams that would play on her mind for days, spotlighting all her anxieties about where she’d stand with Adora now Catra was back, and how she’d possibly keep herself from tearing Catra apart when she saw her… _if_ she saw her.

All Glimmer really believed was that forgiveness wasn’t something anyone inherently deserved on principle – whether she was asking for it or dishing it out herself.

* * *

Adora slipped through the cubicle curtains tentatively, unsure of what she was going to find.

She’d found herself greeted by police officers when she arrived, a slew of questions probing her knowledge of what she knew about Catra’s recent whereabouts, her past relationship with Prime and what she knew about some guy called Drew. She’d been utterly useless for the most part, but the officers didn’t seem that surprised. Apparently, there had been barely any record of Catra existing since they graduated from university. Aside from a few months working at Google – that stunned her a little, but she wasn’t sure why – there were no bank records, utility bills or phone contracts in Catra’s name; she hadn’t even visited a doctor. Adora was almost glad she was so clueless. She had no idea if anything she could know might be incriminating, to Catra or anyone else. Her fists tensed as she thought of how she’d barely managed to convince Glimmer not to report Catra to the police the last time she’d resurfaced; clearly, it would have been disastrous if the only record Catra had was criminal.

By 2:45am, they were done and said she could check in on Catra the next morning if she wanted; she’d been involved in some kind of traffic incident, and it had been decided to keep her in for a couple of days just in case.

_Just in case what?_

Adora couldn’t find out directly from the doctors as she wasn’t Catra’s next of kin, even if she was listed as her emergency contact. But she sure as hell wasn’t waiting until the morning to find out, not while she had her hospital fob in her pocket and could unlock the security doors of the acute admissions ward herself.

She snuck past the nurse on night shift while he was washing his hands, catching Catra’s surname on the boards of the room right ahead of her. Creeping through the doors, quick not to disturb any other patients in there, Adora found her. There wasn’t time to hesitate; she practically raced to Catra’s bedside, her eyes slowly adjusting to the dim light as she pulled the cubicle curtains around them. She steadied herself for a second, taking a deep breath before she turned round to face Catra.

She needn’t have been so worried – Catra was fast asleep on her side, her breaths so shallow and distressed you’d think she hadn’t slept in months, always waiting for a threat to emerge, never fully able to relinquish herself to rest. Adora crept closer to look at her; careful, tentative steps.

Bruises bloomed all over Catra’s back and torso, deep purples and scarlet grazes visible even in the shadows. Adora could just about see there was still some bleeding on her left side; damp patches had started to seep through some of the bigger dressings, and there was still some fresh blood mottling the edge of her hairline and the corners of her mouth.

Adora’s hand acted way before her brain caught up – all of a sudden, she noticed Catra stirring, a low painful groan easing its way out of her; she pulled her hand away from Catra’s tangled curls as if she’d been burned, berating herself for being stupid enough to get swept away in the moment.

_You don’t know her anymore. You can’t just touch her, especially not in this condition!_

A slurred, feeble voice pierced the air: “You came?”

In the hurricane of her thoughts, Adora had completely missed that Catra was already staring at her uncertainly as if she were a hologram, reddened eyes barely open but attentive.

Adora’s words got stuck in her throat. _You wanted me?_

Catra coughed, her weakened body immediately shrinking back from the pain it caused, fresh blood lightly spattering from her mouth onto the hospital pillow. She groaned, unable to reach out for a tissue. Finally, Adora sprung into action. Catra grimaced as Adora dabbed at her lips with a tissue, recoiling sharply at the touch of Adora’s hand on her chin, her eyes squeezing shut instantaneously in response. Adora thought she looked kind of afraid, like she was anticipating something about to happen next.

_Okay, so we’re looking at internal bleeding. Doesn’t seem like any major broken bones, aside from maybe a rib… hard to tell how those bandages are placed in this light. She doesn’t like being touched, though. Is it the pain, or is it…?_

Adora’s brain froze. Had the inkling in the back of her mind been right all those years ago? And she’d just let it happen, let Catra stay with him, not fought to keep her safe? Catra had never mentioned Prime the last time she turned up, but was he why she’d disappeared again? Is this why the police had so many questions about him? 

_Has he been hurting her all this time?_

A sore gurgle – halfway between a sob and a gasp – escaped Adora’s mouth. Catra stirred again, her voice small.

“I didn’t think you’d come.”

All Adora wanted to do was throw her arms around Catra and scream that _of course_ she came, she’d always come running if Catra wanted her, there was nothing in the world that could have stopped her. But instead, she forced herself into the stiff plastic chair next to the bed, placing her hand on the edge of the mattress; close to Catra, but without threat of contact.

“All you ever had to do was call.”

Catra stared at Adora’s fingers for what felt like an eternity, and then, for the first time in over two years, their eyes met. Catra’s lip twitched as if there was something she wanted to say but didn’t know how, or had decided against it. Slowly, her eyes closed again, and she drifted off into a fitful sleep.

Adora hugged her knees to her chest, willing herself to get some rest as well. But with the familiar feeling of shame building inside her and the frequency of startling outbursts Catra let out as she dozed, Adora knew the old beast of guilty insomnia that chased her when she was first fostered was on its way to get her.

_Us against the world, right?_ Adora fixated on the promises they’d whispered under tattered sheets and blankets for years, that she’d so miserably failed to keep. _They can’t keep us apart._

* * *

The minutes passed so slowly, yet simultaneously far too fast.

Adora pressed on the crick in her neck, rolling her head to try and ease the stiffness. She’d ended up staying in the hospital all night, luckily waking just in time to sneak out before the day nurses came in for their morning rounds. Catra had still been asleep; a quick peek at the medication Kardex at the foot of her bed had told Adora the amount of pain killers they had her on would knock her out for hours – she’d been amazed Catra had woken at all in the night.

_I wonder if she’ll even remember…_

Distracted by the crushing fear that Catra could easily discharge herself and disappear at any minute, Adora’s eyes had been trained on her watch all day; even the overseeing consultant had called her out, asking if she had somewhere more important to be. Adora had spilled the whole story of being called into the hospital without even realising it, her exhaustion swiftly dismantling the filter she’d spent years building up around the more senior doctors. But for once, her blabbermouth hadn’t wrought negative consequences – she found herself dismissed for the afternoon, sent off to sleep properly and sort out her personal affairs.

The idea of a few hours off to relax would have usually thrilled her, but Adora found her gut twisting in knots as she loitered in the staff changing rooms, gawking at the deep bags under her eyes as she psyched herself up for a second visit. Was it ironic that one of her strongest (and most traumatic) memories of Catra saw her glaring back in anger with the same dark circles?

_Fuck, just get it over with._

Adora stuffed her clothes from the night before in her bag – thank God she’d had a change of clothes in her locker this morning – giving her neck one final rub. The route from maternity to acute admissions passed in slow-motion; every possible outcome of how Catra might react to seeing her again, this time in a more lucid state, ran through her head in a tormenting countdown montage.

_Time’s up._

She found herself at the ward doors and rang the doorbell to gain entry. It wouldn’t do her well to barge in with her hospital fob today – the nurses always hated when doctors from other departments did that, and she’d already risked it once. Striding through the double doors at the sound of the entry buzzer, she loaded up with antibacterial gel, wringing her hands as she approached the reception desk.

Adora let out a huge sigh of relief as she was told Catra was still in bed, apparently in no fit state to be discharged yet. Slipping into Catra’s ward, Adora noticed there was only one other patient there now, and she was thankfully fast asleep. _Maybe we’ll have some privacy for this._ But she could hear voices seeping out from behind the half-open curtain around Catra’s bed.

She furrowed her brow – _who could be visiting Catra?_ – before realising it was the same police officers that she’d spoken to the night before. She held back, stopping by the doors, unsure whether she should stay or not.

“I don’t know what you want to hear… isn’t it obvious?”

Adora’s ears strained to pick up what they could – Catra’s voice sounded so timid and scratchy, like it hurt just to push the air through.

“We’re not looking to hear anything in particular, Miss Smith,” Adora couldn’t stop a nervous shiver ripple through her – it had been years since she heard anyone address Catra with the common surname they’d shared as the two anonymous drop-off cases prior to her adoption by the Grays. “We’re just trying to find out what happened from your perspective. You and your friend were involved in a very serious incident.”

“We’re not… _w-weren’t_ friends. She was trying to protect me.” Catra’s voice sounded small, twisted into barbed knots.

_Weren’t friends? She?_ Adora couldn’t make sense of what she was listening to.

“Protect you?”

“From him.” A pause. “Prime. He found us when we were trying to leave.”

“Why were you trying to leave?”

“Why do you think? You know who he is, don’t you? What he does? Isn’t that why you’re here? _To interrogate his slut_?” Catra’s voice was rising, becoming increasingly frenzied.

“Miss Smith-”

“I tried so many times to get a…” Adora could barely listen to it any longer, Catra’s words cutting through her, “And now because of me, she’s d-d…”

The shock of a loud noise next to Adora jarred her mind away from Catra’s choked sob as the ward doors slammed behind the nurse supervisor, who was already storming past her towards the bed.

“Come on, gentlemen, I think that’s enough questioning for now. Miss Smith needs her rest.”

Adora moved to make herself scarce but it was too late; the nurse thrust open the cubicle curtains right as the police officers stepped away from Catra’s bed, and Adora was caught like a rabbit in headlights, her face paling as Catra’s narrowing eyes latched onto hers. Adora thought they were so full of pain and of longing – _longing for who?_ – until a cold suspicion overtook, battered hands wiping tears off a sore, beaten face. Catra’s bruising was far worse in the daylight.

“Shut the curtains.”

And just like that, Adora felt like she was back in the park on her birthday or in the abandoned living room of her old flat, frozen out all over again. 

* * *

Bow pulled up in front of the pick-up/drop-off point, surveying the two women in front of him outside the hospital doors. Thankfully, Glimmer had stayed home – that was one less drama to worry about – but it was already a sorry state of affairs.

He knew Adora had had a particularly rough time of it, convincing Catra that coming to stay at her apartment was the best option available. It hadn’t helped that Glimmer tried to talk Adora out of it repeatedly since she’d collapsed on their sofa in tears earlier that week, having rushed straight to their home after an apparently disastrous reunion of sorts.

But seeing Catra now, Bow could see exactly why Adora couldn’t let her out of her sight. Blueish-black swellings were spread across the left side of her face and neck, their yellowing edges snaking all the way down to her back and shoulders. She stood stiffly, seemingly incapable of breathing freely, her eyes darting all over him as if evaluating whether it was best to stay or run, if there was still somewhere to escape to or if her fate was closing in on her.

Next to her, Adora clutched at the strap of her work rucksack, the absence of a bag for Catra made even more obvious. Apparently with nothing of her own, Catra was swamped in Adora’s old BMU jumper, a pair of loose training shorts revealing slow-healing cuts and grazes on her legs

Bow had read a couple of vague local articles online about her accident - there wasn’t much information, but the vague snippets Adora managed to tease out of Catra over the past week seemed to match up: a crazed criminal, the previously invisible head of one of the most prolific cyber-crime rings in the country, having allegedly hijacked a cab his unidentified girlfriend and a female associate were passengers in, reversing the ageing car into a solid concrete wall repeatedly as they were increasingly crushed under the blows.

Adora leaned forward to open the car door for Catra, a grateful smile directed at Bow as she caught his eye through the window. But Catra was remained unmoving, her eyes wide in trepidation as she stared at the backseat.

Adora tossed her rucksack into the car, straightening up again to assist Catra.

“I’ll sit right next to you the whole time, Catra. It’s just a short drive, I promise.” Catra stared at Adora, silently pleading. Bow could only imagine how Adora had even gotten her to this point.

Bow could sense Catra’s extreme anxiety even from his place behind the wheel.

“Are you sure we can’t walk?”

Adora nodded slowly, resting her palm on the roof of the car, the other hand outstretched towards Catra. Bow could tell how delicately she spoke, as if even the slightest off note in her inflection would have catastrophic effect.

“It’s too far, I’m sorry. Especially given your injuries. But it’s okay, you can sit up front with Bow.”

Adora reached towards the car door handle by the passenger seat; Catra stepped forward towards it. This close, Bow could see just how much she was trembling, her hands shaking violently. Catra flinched at the impact on her wounds as she sunk apprehensively into the seat next to him. Bow could practically smell the relief radiating off Adora – but before she could close the car door, Catra’s hand had shot out, closing in a vice hold around her wrist.

“Don’t! It’s-“

“Catra, I’ll be in the seat right behind you.”

Bow could see Catra’s fingers gripping Adora’s arm even tighter in desperation, her nails starting to dig into pale skin. He was sure they’d reached a stalemate.

“Hey,” Catra’s head jerked around to him, alarm clear on her face. He reprimanded himself – he should have thought to temper his speech more, make himself gentler. “Why don’t I let Adora drive?”

Catra studied him intently, clearly trying to suss him out. Finally, a nod, barely perceptible.

Bow nodded back in acknowledgement. “Okay.”

He hauled himself out the driver’s seat, locking eyes with Adora again as he threw the keys over the roof of the car towards her. She caught them one-handed, easing her other arm out of Catra’s grip to shut the passenger door and take his place.

Bow settled himself into the backseat, seeing the road from a whole new angle for the first time; even though he and Glimmer bought the car when they moved in together, he’d never sat in the back. Nevertheless, he couldn’t shake the foreboding feeling that they’d all be relinquishing control in some way or another over the coming weeks. Catra was here, and – if the way she’d resumed her hold on Adora, her hand clamped fearfully on top of their friend’s knuckles on the gear stick, meant anything – Bow wondered if she might be desperate enough to stick around for good.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - emotional abuse and mentions of physical abuse.
> 
> This was a difficult chapter to write but an important one! I hope you enjoy - always love reading your feedback, and please let me know what you want to see more of. I have a plan, but if a little more fluff or a little more angst (more, really???) is due, it's great to hear it :)

Sometimes, the keyboard felt like her only true love. No emotional volatility or threat there.

_Just you, me and the code, baby._

It had been six months since she’d been forced to give up the Google gig, and she’d just about convinced herself it didn’t matter. Not when they were pulling in money like this. Did it really matter whether it was that legit?

Nothing that happened to her in life ever seemed that legit anyway.

Catra thought frequently about how she’d grown up, and how Prime had saved her. She owed him an awful lot, didn’t she? He’d stood by her through thick and thin, always there to get her mindset straight when the rent was just a little too much, or one of her bosses was being a little too handsy, or her course load a little too overwhelming.

After all, when Catra thought about herself, who even was she? Just a random girl from that random care home, a huge question mark permanently lingering over her head. But he’d seen her. He’d cherry-picked her out of the nothingness, just like Adora had been chosen by the Grays.

She remembered the first time they’d technically met like it was yesterday. It only took her a second to think about it and she’d be seventeen again, only months away from her social care expiry date. The curse of being a summer baby: you’d never have quite as much time. His younger brother – also a July baby, also her age – was still in care too, and thanks to a seven-year age gap, he’d somehow got enough money under his belt to have a room ready for his brother to move into. Catra suspected something might not be quite above board at the time – _this was Bright Moon after all, property did not come cheap, whether it was rented or bought_ – but this was someone who looked after their own. Not many care kids had family who’d do that. Certainly not Catra, anyway.

She’d been in the corner of the TV room doing her maths homework when she first saw him. Pristine posture, smooth skin, and carefully tamed waves so unlike her own unruly ringlets. He’d followed his brother to the sofa, they’d cleared the other kids away and set up some games console – she didn’t know or care which – that had everyone enraptured. Catra had liked the sound of them battling it out on the controllers in the background, and how the two brothers took the piss out of each other, not taking it too seriously but still not worried about letting their competitive sides take over. She’d never had any kind of relationship that was that unconditional, where she didn’t have to curate herself in little ways to curb the everlasting danger of rejection.

Catra had sucked on the end of her pen, turning back to the task in hand. Usually, she had to get out the home to properly concentrate, but something about it had made her feel more like she belonged, like this would be what having brothers might be like. It had done the trick; her mind had zoned in on her Further Maths homework.

Best part of an hour later, Catra hadn’t even noticed the game had ended until his voice reverberated right next to her ear.

“This is some tricky shit, kid.”

She’d smirked, turning round to face him as he peered over her shoulder, hoping he hadn’t seen her jump.

“If you say so.”

He’d raised an eyebrow: perfectly arched, perfectly placed. “Oh, I do.”

Catra had shrugged in response, returning to her work. She’d made easy work of it, sure, but she always had done. Adora had said all the time that she got the brains _and_ the beauty, but Catra had never taken it much to heart. _Haven’t got anyone to thank for it, so why make a fuss?_ Besides, she had never been able to shake the feeling that people only found her intelligence notable because she didn’t look like someone who was supposed to have it. Enough teachers had underestimated her at every stage of her schooling to know that she’d always be impressive; whether that reflected more on her or on other people was less clear-cut. But regardless, Catra had known that her brain was her ticket out of this life. She was going to be powerful one day because she knew how to play the game.

First, she’d get her degree in double honours – maths and computer science. It didn’t matter what it would take to get her through it: two, three jobs? Overtime to save up for living costs while doing a summer internship at a start-up, or one of the Big Five if she could swing it. She’d make sure she swung it. Knuckle down, prioritize grades over parties. Get the right role for her first tech job after uni. That would be the end of her retail career. No more shitty jobs in high street shops or cheap cafes. And from there, she would climb up and up. Catra depended on it. She’d rinse every fucking diversity scheme she could apply for if it meant she’d get where she needed to be. She ticked every box, after all. _Well, nearly every box – Adora’s the only person I know ticking that last one_. And where she needed to be was right at the very top. That’s what she deserved.

At that point in time, there had been no doubt in Catra’s mind: she would make herself fucking remarkable. She’d make it so her absolute lack of any origin story would never be the most interesting thing about her again.

Catra sighed as she scanned the screen in front of her, well aware of her instructions from Prime. There wasn’t much time to get everything he needed done, but it was hard to motivate herself sometimes. What would she be doing right now if he’d let her stay on her grad scheme? A shadow version of herself lived a different life, a perfect trajectory of the path she’d laid out for herself. _This is remarkable in some kind of way, I guess._

Prime had made her feel extraordinary for the longest time. And not just in a sappy way. He’d made her feel like he was the only person who ever really saw her; who’d looked deep inside her soul and saw the pain, the longing for recognition, the deep desire to fit somewhere. _Anywhere._ He’d held her with such tenderness, making sure she knew that where she belonged was right with him.

After that one afternoon in the care home, their paths hadn’t crossed for nearly two years until, of course, it happened totally by chance.

She’d been having the worst day. She had gotten into a stupidly shitty fight with Entrapta, basically her only friend in class, over how they should approach a joint project. And _oh my God,_ they had come to blows. Catra had probably put up too much of a fight, but there was something of a fire under her belly that day and she just didn’t feel like rolling over for the sake of an easy life. Why should _she_ have to, anyway?

But it hadn’t ended there – she had rushed to the coffee shop straight after class to report into her shift, only to find her hours had been miscommunicated; she had technically arrived late, and her pay would be docked for the first hour that she hadn’t turned up. Catra had spent the first ten minutes at the till deciding how she’d best spread her budget out to account for the extra few meals that hour’s pay would have covered. It should have come as no surprise when she had got herself into a tangle with an unbelievably petty customer. _What does extra hot even mean? It’s all made with bloody boiling water!_

She had just handed the girl her third coffee, insisting that she really did have to pay for the second replacement – _I hope it’s so hot it fucking burns you, bitch_ – when a ten pound note had floated in front of her face, rolled up between long thin, pale fingers.

“Let me cover that.”

 _Oh, Jesus wept._ Catra’s eyes had practically rolled 360 degrees, they went so far back into her head. _Of course, some dick-drip wants to save the day._ What was it about men that made them think they could solve all her problems with a quick smile and the flash of a crisp note?

But when she’d finally followed sight of the cash to the person holding it, she’d been taken aback. It was _him._ Who’d have thought it?

He’d ordered his own coffee as well, and she’d taken the banknote from him, stating the total he owed before she’d even punched the numbers into the till.

“Still good with the numbers, then?”

Catra had shown him the same smirk she had the last time.

“I wouldn’t sound so surprised if I were you. We don’t all have brains the size of squirrels, you know.”

He’d copied her expression – a trick it would take her too long to recognise and steal.

“Okay, girl. I’ll bite.” ‘ _Girl’, huh? That’s a change from ‘kid’._ “You come find me when you’re on break.”

Catra had watched as he settled in the corner of the shop with his coffee on the biggest and most imposing armchair in the place. He had seemed to be the first customer she’d ever seen who had truly filled it; his towering height was in proportion, his body commanding all its space.

She’d gone to the staff loo, smoothing her hands over her high-waisted jeans, inspecting the curve of her waist, how the denim of her thighs met just at the top, the dimples of her hips outlined through her pockets. Enough men had told her how beautiful she was. She’d taken some of them into her, let them explore her body like a map drawn especially for them, determined to please and be pleased. It was a much simpler route to validation than exerting time and effort on friends; that day’s argument with Entrapta had proved that, and Adora had been drifting away into a foreign world of champagne socialism, queer club nights and overpriced group getaways with her new friends. She had loathed how the difference between them was now so much more obvious: Adora had money, an infectious personality and the headspace for fun. She’d skirted past it at school, even let herself feel better about it when Adora had come out – _finally, there was something not so perfect about her_ – but at BMU, the truth she’d always suspected seemed undeniable. Adora was just better than she was, and everyone knew it.

When her shift had ended, she’d waited before going over to him. _Play your game, Smith._ But as soon as she did, it had been magnetic. He’d asked about her job, her studies, had seemed genuinely impressed. And then he’d offered her a bit of cash on the side working for him; he had a few gigs going on, needed more decent coders for all of them. She’d get more experience and could drop the coffee shop job for better pay and fewer hours – the only catch was she had to keep shtum. No-one could know. He’d told her they’d announced a hiring freeze to please an over-cautious investor, but he wanted to make an exception for her. Catra hadn’t cared whether or not it was true.

Only a couple of weeks in, she’d vastly outperformed his expectations.

“I told you, you shouldn’t be so surprised.”

He’d smiled, and then his hands had gone where she’d imagined he’d wanted to touch her - _I knew this wasn’t just in my mind_ – and he’d confessed how much he’d wanted her from the very start, how the memory of her had been imprinted in his mind since he saw her the very first time, and it had been a gift from God when he’d walked into that coffee shop. _She_ was a gift from God.

That first year had been a whirlwind; the taste of him sustained her through the third job she’d had to pick up after some fuckwit had stolen her phone and through the coursework she’d put extra time into to make sure she was the absolute best there was. _He deserves the best._

Slowly but surely, things had shifted a little as she neared the end of her time at BMU. First, he’d been less excited than anticipated when she’d got into her prestigious grad scheme; he was upset she didn’t want to work full time with him. It had shocked her, that she could have hurt him so much without even realising. She promised him, over and over again, that it didn’t mean anything – it was just a route to more cash for them and she could take everything she learned and bring it home. It would benefit him just as much as her. He was still her first priority, _of course he was_.

A few weeks later, he’d insisted she move in with him after the disastrous discovery of her lies around Adora’s birthday. She hadn’t been quite sure whether she’d consented or complied. Either way, there had been a feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that having a choice wasn’t really the most important thing – making sure that she didn’t let him down again was.

_Who else would love someone who’s a liar like you?_

_How do you expect me to forgive you so easily, for going behind my back like this to see her? Aren’t I enough? After everything I’ve done for you?_

_Don’t you think about me at all? Don’t you see how selfish you are?_

_Do you know how hard it is to love you, when you pull shit like this?_

_If you really loved me, you’d want me to have peace of mind, knowing where you are at all times._

He’d stonewalled her for three days after he cut off her phone, not speaking a word to her even as he threw her stuff into bin bags and hauled them into his car, throwing them into their newly shared bedroom when they’d arrived. She’d unpacked in silence, hoping she put things away in the right place, listening to his chest rise and fall in the dark as they slept side by side.

Nothing compared to the relief when he’d finally forgiven her.

Remembering it brought her back into herself. This was why the Google gig hadn’t been worth it in the end; why she’d handed in her work phone, her only connection to the outside world. She had to remember what was really important – him and her against the world. He’d never leave her, and she’d promised she’d never leave him. He’d tell it to her over and over again: he’d known they were destined from the second he saw her. The second he’d plucked her out of the nothingness.

* * *

Catra watched as the six-pack of beers were placed on the kitchen table in front of her. She looked up quizzically at the tall, flaxen-haired woman who’d set them down. Even though they'd spent the past few weeks together, Catra still wasn’t sure what to make of her.

“This’ll keep you in his good books.”

“I think it’ll take more than a few drinks, Drew.”

“Maybe. But hey, it’s something, right?”

Catra stood unsteadily – her hip still hurt a little – and hobbled over to the fridge, pushing the cans to the very back of the shelf to get cool.

“You could have let me do that.” Catra shrugged as Drew spoke, both of them sliding into chairs at the table, “It’s kind of what I’m here for.”

Catra didn’t answer. _We both know you’re here to watch me._

Drew was the first in a long line of safeguards that Prime had put in place to make sure she was committed to keeping her promises. She didn’t go anywhere alone: not the supermarket, the local coffee shop, not even a walk round the block. What’s more, there was no hope of her ever getting back into coding for him – he wanted her as far away from the internet as possible, to the extent he’d locked up the TV when he was out so she could only watch Netflix with him.

_I’m sorry, my love, but I can’t take the risk that you get silly ideas in your head again._

It was all much worse than it had ever been before – but Catra had known it would be. She’d chosen this over the alternative. She was well aware it wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last trade-off she’d make when it came to Prime.

And there had been a lot to make up for. It was bad enough he’d tracked her to Adora’s flat and used it against her – _how could I have been so obvious?_ She had never intended on ending up there; before the universe changed her direction, she’d actually planned to get as far away from Bright Moon as humanly possible. He knew that as well. He’d found a national bus schedule in the pocket of her leather jacket when he’d got her home and ripped through everything she’d tried to take with her.

Prime didn't know she was still hiding the biggest secret of all, and it was a ticking bomb waiting to go off. She’d need to figure out whether Drew could be trusted, fast.

* * *

Catra stared at the white flecks of powder clinging to the internal walls of the bin, the only visible remains of her pills that weren’t buried under vegetable peelings and the decaying waste of unfinished meals.

She closed her eyes as she inhaled deeply, remembering how she used to watch Adora run laps around the local park when they were little, soon graduating to their high school grounds and then the BMU athletic track. Catra wasn’t much of an active runner – sure, she used to be a pretty decent sprinter, though she never had the patience for anything regular or long-distance. But right in that moment, she could imagine how it would feel to let loose with the wind gliding across her skin, cold air pulsing through her airways, her hair flying out behind her. How her feet would meet firm ground one after the other, over and over again, and all of the muscles in her body would be working together instead of against each other. She drew air in through her nose again with purpose, almost as if she was priming herself to race right then. For a second, she was back in her teenage body, squeezing every ounce of energy she had out in the sports day relay, baton in hand. She felt lithe and so _alive_. She wondered if Adora still ran the Bright Moon half-marathon; last time they’d spoken – _the last time I left_ – she’d been training ahead of her fourth.

Catra wiggled her toes on the tiled kitchen floor, letting the sensation of cool, dry ceramic imprint on her skin. She pretended that she was standing on grass as it tickled her bare soles instead, somewhere she could really think. There was rarely an opportunity for it these days; he liked her hidden, to keep her safe. Still, she couldn’t help but imagine herself pounding the streets of Bright Moon neighbourhoods, coursing through green parks in the gentle sun, the sound of dogs being walked and children chattering as they whizzed down slides.

_Is that what real freedom would look like?_

She blinked, sniffing as she finally replaced the lid of the bin, her thoughts drifting back to the crushed contraceptive.

Freedom was even further away now.

She’d played the scene from that morning over and over again in her head. He’d been so angry when he found her stash, thin blister packs hidden inside old boots she didn’t wear in their shoeboxes. The image of him shaking, almost vibrating in fury, as he tore into every single pack she had, punching each tiny tablet into nothingness between his fingers. Despite everything, Catra had never seen him like that; in all her shock, she didn’t know what to think of it.

And then his white-dusted hand had come hurtling towards her, and it would have smacked right into the side of her ribs if she hadn’t-

“Stop – I’m pregnant!”

He’d stilled immediately, his face drawing in so close to hers. His breath had prickled her cheek. She’d prayed he hadn’t checked the expiry date of the pills, grateful at least that she’d had the sense to shred the boxes they’d been packaged in, labels and all. Drew might have got them for her – Catra still had no idea how – but she’d only ever received three months’ worth at a time. She should have been smarter, spread them out across her various hiding places. How would she prevent a real pregnancy now?

“I promise you, those pills are old, I haven’t taken them all year!” She’d willed her hand to stay steady, to not betray her with a tremble, as she’d reached out to cradle his face. “You know I wouldn’t, not knowing how much you want this.”

His eyes had hardened – she’d realised her slip. “How much _we_ want this.”

He’d dropped his hand from its planned trajectory near Catra’s side, moving downwards to rest on her abdomen. He’d been almost reverent in his touch. It had taken her back years, right to the very start of them.

“Are you sure?”

Catra frequently wished she was the type of person for whom lying wasn’t so easy, who lived the kind of life where it was an act of subversion rather than survival.

“I’m late, and I missed my last one. What else it could be?”

He’d chuckled in quiet incredulity; she’d copied him, her best form of camouflage.

They’d gone through all the usual motions: he’d apologised for the near violence, cleaned up the ripped shoeboxes and the powdery mess he’d made, tipping the ashes of her safety net into the kitchen bin; he’d whispered the same loving affirmations as always, though she wasn’t sure if they sunk in the way they used to.

_It’s only because I love you so much, that I’m like this. You make me like this._

Catra finished putting away the plates that had been drying next to the sink. He hated it when they were left out overnight, and it had been drummed into her to never let that happen. If he was in a bad mood, the consequences could be dire.

Out of nowhere, bile began to rise up the back of her throat.

_What the fuck am I going to do now?_

The only option, surely, was to let him fuck her. To make good on her statement, make it true. It probably wouldn’t take long; now she had nothing to protect her and no route to even a sniff of Plan B. It was incredible she’d got away with it for so long, feigning disappointment every month, blaming her low weight or the stress of worrying about him getting caught. But even before his first demand, nearly a year ago now, that she let him make her a mother, the idea made her blood curdle. 

_Even social care would be better than growing up in this. And how would I know what being a parent is, anyway?_

Catra did the maths in her head. She had maybe eight weeks max before she’d no longer be able to bullshit away the lack of change in her body. That is, if he even let her go to appointments without him. She hummed to herself, mulling her risk assessment over; the breach of his last big operation might finally play out in her favour – he’d avoided public sector settings ever since his face and given name had been identified by police.

There was no getting around it. Catra didn’t have it in her to gamble again; even though he never found out what she’d actually done – she’d definitely be dead if he had – the risks of repeating history were far too high. No, she had to find an alternative route before it got to that.

_This is what you were always good at, Smith. First you plan; then you worry about the execution._

Catra made a promise to herself. She knew she had to find a way out of the zero-sum game she’d been trapped playing with Prime for years – this time for good.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: non-graphic descriptions of self-harm and abortion.
> 
> Despite the trigger warnings, this chapter is mainly a little happier (I promise)! Share your thoughts and kudos, pretty please ❤︎

Adora smiled to herself as she folded her bike up, unbuckling the straps of her helmet. The ride home was her last commute for a couple of weeks; she was finally cashing in on the extra night shifts she’d picked up over the previous months, as well as being granted a few days of special dependants’ leave. She couldn’t wait to have this time with Catra – the relief that she wouldn’t have to worry all day about how her girlfriend was doing or whether she’d had any contractions yet was profound.

It felt like they’d had little time to themselves recently. Adora had noticed that Catra spoke to Bow and Glimmer even more frequently since that day she ended up in Garnet Park. Adora was grateful that Catra had gotten particularly close to Glimmer during the third trimester, though sometimes her heart panged a little with jealousy that Catra seemed to be closer to both her best friends now than she felt. They would talk on the phone for hours, joking about silly things Bow and Adora had said or done, or arguing over where you could get the best tacos in Bright Moon. Now and again, the conversation would turn to the baby or the birth, but for the most part, it seemed like Catra had begun to see herself again in the final few weeks, beyond her role as the surrogate.

Adora hoped it was a good sign that this whole journey the four of them had undertaken would only serve to strengthen their friendships. Given their ups and downs and the way she’d struggled to steady her rollercoaster of emotions, she had to hold onto that thought.

In Adora’s mind, tonight would be the start of their path back to being Catra and Adora. _Just the two of us, nothing and no-one else._

She practically bounded into the living room, her hands itching for the feel of Catra’s warmth under her palms. It was exactly what Adora needed after another unbearably long day away from her.

_Ah. Maybe not right away, then._

Catra was out cold on the couch, curled on her side with a thick cushion propped between her thighs and under her belly. Adora snuck over, leaning down to press a kiss to her temple, ghosting her fingers over her curls.

She didn’t notice Glimmer in the kitchen, dicing vegetables with practised precision, until she straightened up and turned to get water. Adora was surprised by how thankful she felt to see her – given the anti-climax, the last thing she wanted was to unwind alone.

“Hey,” Adora spoke softly, squeezing Glimmer’s upper arm as she leaned past her to grab a glass from the cupboard, “It’s good to see you.”

Adora didn’t miss the slight slackening of Glimmer’s shoulders as she paused her chopping, or the way she leaned slightly into her touch.

“It’s good to see you too, ‘Dor.”

The sound of the tap running filled the room, drowning out the dull thuds of the knife sliding through aubergine flesh to meet the wooden chopping board.

Adora hugged her glass tight to her, tucking her chin into her chest, her eyes wandering back towards Catra. She’d never been much of a napper – if anything, Adora could never understand how little sleep Catra usually needed. She’d stay up at all hours when an idea got in her head; Entrapta was the same way, and left to their own devices to work, they could go days on only a few hours’ sleep before Adora intervened. She supposed it was partly Catra’s drive that got them here as well, ending up with her dozing under trees and on plumped sofas at any time of day.

Glimmer’s voice knocked Adora out of her thoughts: “We went for a walk around the block. Tired her out.”

Adora hummed through pressed lips. Catra had become highly unmotivated to move around much the past few days. It was only really the suggestion that a walk might ease her irregular cramps that ever got her out the house. “Have the Braxton Hicks started up again?”

Glimmer nodded. “Yeah.” She set down the knife, her words tailing off. “I wish…“

Adora held the space, moving closer to Glimmer. There was something on her mind that she clearly needed to get off her chest.

“What is it?”

“This might sound crazy… But it kind of makes me jealous. I wish I could just take on the pain of it, you know, do all the hard work myself.”

“That doesn’t sound crazy at all, Glim.”

Adora furrowed her brow, frustrated with herself that she hadn’t thought much recently about how Glimmer might be dealing with all of this. She’d been so wrapped up in her own erratic feelings towards the surrogacy – fear, resentment, joy, pride, jealousy, longing, awe – that she’d lost sight of how even back when Glimmer had first decided she would get her eggs extracted, she’d known this part would probably be the toughest on her friend. Time had increasingly revealed how similar Glimmer and Catra really were, and one of their most obvious likenesses was how much they liked to steer their own ships. Had she really missed this, so caught up in the self-pitying belief that this whole set-up was secretly tougher on her than anyone else?

Adora pulled Glimmer towards her, the first fully genuine hug she’d shared with either her or Bow in weeks.

“You’ll have plenty of hard work all to yourself soon.” Adora tried to push down the pain of reminding herself that she’d only borrowed this dream – her fantasy would end as Glimmer’s new reality began. The kicks she felt every night as she wrapped her arms around Catra in bed wouldn’t result in a squirming child nestling against her skin, or tiny fingers clamped around her own. “I bet that a month or two from now, you’ll be begging us to take him off your hands so you can have a rest for a couple of hours!”

She’d been so focused on suppressing her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed Glimmer draw away from her, her pupils widening as she sought eye contact.

“ _Him_?”

Adora’s mouth dropped open. She’d been the only one of them able to read the sonogram, figuring it out instantly the first time the photo was set in front of her – she hadn’t even told Catra she knew the sex, knowing Bow and Glimmer wanted it to be a surprise. Was there anything she could manage to _not_ fuck up?

“Oh shit, Glimmer, I’m _so_ sorry!”

Glimmer choked back tears, her hold on Adora tightening. “We’re having a _boy_?”

Adora nodded, tears starting to bead at the corners of her eyes too. “Glim, I’m so sorry, I feel terrible-”

But Glimmer had drifted somewhere else, laughter bubbling out the back of her throat. “Oh my God, I didn’t think it could feel so much more real, knowing... This is actually happening _. A boy_! _”_

Adora couldn’t help but giggle, the dismay at herself starting to slowly subside.

“Of course, it’s happening!” She nudged her head towards Catra, still somehow asleep despite their commotion, “It’s been happening for over forty bloody weeks!”

“I’m actually going to be a mum.”

“Yeah. You really are, Glim.”

They held each other for a few minutes longer, Adora taking over the dinner prep as Glimmer went to the bathroom to splash her face with water. It was the least she could do – Adora knew she wouldn’t forgive herself for dropping that bomb for weeks, even though there’d been zero negative repercussions.

Her ears picked up as a soft groan drifted over from the other side of the room. Catra was finally beginning to stir.

“Hey there, sleepy head.”

Catra rubbed the bottom of her swollen stomach, her fingers tracing the dark line under her belly button that peeked out from under her t-shirt.

“Mmmm… What are you doing in the kitchen?”

Adora snorted. “Don’t you want dinner?”

“I did when Glimmer was cooking.” Catra has closed her eyes again, snuggling deeper into the sofa. “Where is she?”

“Just the loo.” Adora sprinkled salt into the pan, pushing the onions, garlic and aubergine around with a silicon spatula, their edges already turning golden. She inhaled deeply, letting the smell overtake her senses. “I think cooking might be my calling, you know.”

Catra grunted. “Well, hang up.”

She forced one eye open at Adora’s gasp.

“What? You’re literally the worst cook.”

“I liked you better when you were asleep.”

“Whatever. You know there’s a reason Glimmer’s been coming over to batch cook now I’m so fucking exhausted all the time.”

“Because you’re about to give birth to her child, and she wants to see how her _incredibly_ polite and supportive friend is?”

“Ugh, if it makes you feel better to think that...”

Catra groaned again, a little more deeply this time. Adora looked up from the pan again, studying the lines that had appeared on Catra’s forehead as she grimaced.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” she sucked in air through her nostrils, lips pressed tightly together, “I’m just hosting some kind of kickboxing club in here.”

Adora hissed through her teeth, realising she’d let the onions and garlic burn to a crisp while she was distracted.

“Shit. How did it even burn that fast?”

“Case in point, babe.”

“Fine.” She turned the heat of the hob off, crossing her arms as she pondered how to fix the cremated remains.

“Jesus wept, I should have known not to leave you alone with this.” Catra snorted as Glimmer re-entered the room, gesturing for Adora to step away from the food. Adora started to object before Glimmer interrupted her, her hand drifting out towards Catra. “Why don’t you get this one into bed to rest properly while I figure out what I can give you both to actually eat?”

Adora conceded, making her way over to the other side of the room, helping Catra to slowly rise from the couch, her hands placed strategically on the small of her girlfriend’s back and under her elbow. She rubbed Catra’s shoulders as they made their way into the bedroom, moving the pregnancy pillow at the foot of their bed into place once Catra had lowered herself onto the mattress.

“I heard your little slip back there.”

“Oh? You looked completely knocked out.”

Catra shrugged. Adora perched on the bed next to her, interlocking their fingers.

“A boy, huh?”

“Yeah.” Adora studied Catra, focusing on how her eyes had started to glaze over a little. Ever since Prime, she’d done this often, slipping in and out of the different worlds she’d lived in. It was so different to how Catra had been when they were younger. “What are you thinking?”

“I never got so far to thinking about it… you know, before.” Her hand swept across the expanse of her stomach, “I just knew I couldn’t...” She furrowed her brow. “It wasn’t an option.”

Adora pressed Catra’s knuckles to her lips, leaning her cheek into Catra’s palm as she opened her hand to Adora’s jaw.

She closed her eyes, remembering how Catra had come to her a week or so after they’d had that fateful meal out with Bow and Glimmer, her hands trembling with nerves.

“What’s the matter?” Adora had asked in alarm, eyes widening as Catra had pursed her lips together, avoiding her eyes.

“There’s something I never told you.”

“Okay.”

“But if I’m going to consider doing _it_ , you know, for them, I need your help.” She took a deep breath, “I’m not sure I even can.”

“Catra, if you don’t want to, they’re not going to hold it against us. They have no expectations that you will, it’ll be completely fine.”

“No, I- I _want_ to do it. I mean, physically, I’m not sure if I can.”

Adora had been confused. _Why wouldn’t she be able to?_

“What d’you mean?” She’d sat up straight at this point, beckoning Catra to finally join her on the sofa, opening her legs for Catra to curl up in the space between so her body could rest sideways against Adora’s torso; they’d always sat this way for the hardest conversations, learning that it removed the pressure of eye contact and gave each of them the space to moderate their initial reactions before responding.

Catra had felt more uncertain in her arms than she usually did, even more so than when they told the really difficult stories about what had happened to them in their years apart. Adora had kissed her hair and tightened her hold, desperate to make sure Catra knew she had her, that she wasn’t going anywhere.

_This must be important, for her to be like this._

“You know that when I left, when I took Glimmer’s stuff, that it was because Prime had found me? And he’d threatened to…” Adora had nodded briskly, not wanting Catra to put herself through it all over again. “I didn’t take any of it because he wanted money. I pawned it all before I went back because _I_ needed it… But you know if I had any idea what the Cross was or what it was actually worth, I never would have-”

“I know.” She had pecked the top of Catra’s head again to reassure her, “We all know that, love.”

Catra had seemed to relax slightly for a second before she geared herself up to continue.

“I only got a few hundred. But it was enough at the time.” She gulped nervously. “I needed it for an abortion.”

Adora hadn’t expected it and had been seriously thrown by the fact that Catra had never told her this before. She had wanted to ask so many questions about why it hadn’t come up before, whether Catra had really thought that Adora would judge her or be unsupportive. But she had known that moment wasn’t the time for a personal freak-out about whether Catra trusted her. Instead, she had focused her attention back on what Catra had appeared to be worrying about.

“Catra… you know having an abortion doesn’t stop you from being able to get pregnant again? I’ve treated plenty of women who’ve gone on to have several kids.”

“I know that. It’s just, I didn’t end up doing it that safely.”

Adora had listened in silence as Catra explained that her plan had fallen apart once Prime had got her home and effectively locked her in the house, taking all the cash he’d found in her jacket pockets and tucked into the side of her bra. After the fourth time she’d thrown herself down the stairs in the dead of night – she’d insisted each time it had been an accident on her way to the bathroom – he’d brought Drew in to watch over her, clearly not believing she hadn’t been trying to hurt herself. Catra had said it was a saving grace he thought she was suicidal rather than suspected she was desperate to force a miscarriage. She had tried scalding hot baths, knocking back shots of whiskey in advance to dull the sear of them, and had encouraged Prime to fuck her as hard as he could, feigning unbridled desire in the hope he’d do some damage. But despite the agony in the hip she had repeatedly landed on at the bottom of the stairs, and the spotting in her underwear that had given her some short-lived hope, in the end, the only thing she’d been able to do was beg Drew to help her. She’d almost passed out when the pills had been covertly pressed into her hand a couple of days later, instructions whispered in her ear. Drew had waited outside the bathroom door for hours as she had laid cramping in the tub while Prime was running errands, tears of relief streaming into the reddening bath water as clots and clumps of tissue finally left her body. She’d never felt a reprieve like it.

Then Catra had explained how the thought of raising a kid had triggered her ever since, and she’d never spoken about it to anyone: not Bow, not Entrapta, especially not Adora. It was why she had offered Adora an out in case she wanted children all those years ago.

So Adora had asked why Catra even wanted to carry for Bow and Glimmer in the first place – _wouldn’t it make all this trauma so much worse?_

“This probably won’t make sense, but I think it’ll help me make peace with it. I just want to do something positive with it, with my body.”

In many ways it hadn’t made any logical sense to Adora at all. Even before she had started to visualise all the challenges that watching Catra grow with their friends’ child would bring, her words had reminded Adora of quite how much of a complicated maze her girlfriend’s mind really was. Over the coming days, it would help her make a decision quickly – it had been clear to Adora since the car crash that what Catra needed above all else was autonomy. Control over her own body.

_Maybe in some odd way, this actually would help her heal._

“It makes sense to me, love.”

Adora had held Catra for a long time after they spoke, well into the night. She had finally begun to understand it – the desire to follow through with this surrogacy wasn’t really about Bow and Glimmer at all. The realisation had made it easy to arrange and accompany Catra through her first gynae check-up in nearly a decade (Adora had been outraged with herself that she’d never even checked whether Catra had been going to them in the first place), then once given the all-clear, sign contract after contract with their friends, despite the uneasy clenching around her heart.

Her thoughts shifted back to the view of the heavily pregnant woman laid out in front of her now, already drifting back to sleep.

There really wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for Catra, to make sure the life she had lived so far was worth surviving.


	14. Chapter 14

Catra opened the app up one last time, hissing in satisfaction now she’d finally managed to iron out the glitches that had been pissing her off for days.

She could see both camera views of the tester cams she’d hacked showing up on the interface – one feeding through sound and vision from the bedroom, the other giving her a distorted – _well, let’s be honest… completely unflattering_ – view of herself from its place on the nearby dining table. She checked the sound, shouting into the phone and listening out for the echo from the other room.

_It fucking worked!_

Catra grinned to herself, tapping her fingers on the side of her stomach.

“You, kid, are gonna be watched 24-fucking-7.”

“Erm… who is going to be watched?”

Catra smiled at the sound of the front door closing behind Glimmer in the hallway, so grateful that she’d given her a spare key a couple of weeks before. Hauling herself out of this ginormous armchair and down the hallway was not something she could be bothered with whatsoever. 

“Ah, you’ll see in a minute...”

“Cryptic…” Glimmer raised an eyebrow as she entered the living room, scoffing at Catra. “How do you even get to sitting like that?”

Catra shrugged, peering down at herself. She was leaning back against one squishy chair arm with one foot propped on the other arm with her knee bent and resting on the chair back, while her other foot dangled off it entirely, her hips opened up wide.

“How do you expect to get up?”

“That’s a problem for later Catra.”

Glimmer plonked herself down on the sofa, taking the end closer to Catra.

“And how well has that been working for you recently?”

Catra paused for a second, trying to push up a little on her elbows to answer Glimmer and failing miserably to support herself.

“Don’t you even...!”

But Glimmer’s spluttering was infectious and soon both of them had been overcome with laughter, their entire bodies shaking. It wasn’t long until the third member of their trio joined in.

“Oh my God, Glimmer, you have to stop making me laugh,” Catra gasped for air through the giggles, “Your brat is trying to beat me up.”

Glimmer leaned over to watch the movements stretch the misshapen skin of Catra’s taut stomach, just about visible through her thin t-shirt, stretching out to rest her hand over it.

“Christ. Got a little thug in here, eh?” Glimmer joked, “Have to keep my eye on that.”

“Ah! Speaking of…” Catra finally managed to even out her breath and shake off her chuckles, “Can you get that thing on the table?”

“Sure…” Glimmer eyed Catra questioningly as she walked over to the table, picking up and rolling a small black ball in her hand, the light reflecting off its hard glass surface, “What is it?”

“Just a little something I’ve been working on… Gimme your phone.”

Glimmer handed it over warily, examining the ball further as Catra did whatever the fuck it was she was doing on her mobile.

“Alright, so,” Catra tossed Glimmer’s phone back to her as she settled on the sofa again, “If you open up that app I just installed, you’ll see it’s connected to the satellite cam.”

“Satellite cam?”

“Just look. And tap both those circle icons that come up.”

Glimmer opened up the app, and all of a sudden, the black ball lit up, its view of Catra filling the screen. A couple of seconds later, a split view took over, showing the apartment bedroom as well.

“What’s this for?”

Catra smirked to herself, clearly questioning Glimmer’s intelligence.

“It’s a baby monitor. Obviously. But I’ve built this _especially_ for you because the apps on the market at the minute are seriously shit. This one, though… you can control which of the satellites – the balls, yeah? – is monitoring from your phone, doesn’t matter how far away you are. And you can adjust the angle of the camera 360 degrees remotely - almost the entire surface of the satellite can record video. Entrapta helped with that, so the range is crazy!”

Glimmer couldn’t have interrupted Catra mid-pitch even if she tried.

“ _And_ the sats are multi-directional so they can communicate with each other and divert the sound away from your phone if you just wanna do the whole walkie-talkie type thing. They’ll track room temperature, movement, volume decibels, all the fancy shit. And if there’s something you should know about, they’ll flash to catch your attention. I can build more of the sats and sync them if you want, so you can have one in every room.”

“Whoa, that’s a lot-”

“Right?!” Catra was getting even more excited, “Plus I’ve made the security so tight, the KGB couldn’t hack it! I’ll just need to install it on Bow’s phone and you’ll be good to go!”

Catra looked at Glimmer expectantly, clearly thrilled with herself.

“Wow, Catra – that’s incredible.”

Catra’s eyes narrowed. “But what?”

Glimmer faltered, embarrassed that she hadn’t been enthusiastic enough, “You really didn’t have to do this. I mean, you’re already doing so much-”

Catra scoffed, waving her hand dismissively in the air.

“Ah, it’s given me something to do on the side for a while. Anyway, no point lugging this-” she pointed at her swollen stomach, “around for so long and then just handing it over to flail.”

Glimmer snorted, “Flail, huh?”

“I hear babies are hard work.”

Catra tried to hide her disappointment as she turned slightly - at least, as best she could - to face the back of the chair while she composed herself. It was probably just her hormones, but she really thought Glimmer would be impressed by her pet project. She must have been too obvious; it only took a few seconds before she felt Glimmer squeeze her hand.

“Seriously, it's awesome - I love it. Thank you.”

“De nada.”

But before Glimmer could let go of her hand, Catra winced, squeezing back with much more force as her whole face scrunched up.

“Was that…?”

“No,” Catra sucked in air shakily through her nostrils as she rode out the pain, shaking her head breezily as her fingers loosened around Glimmer’s, “Just the Hicks, same as always.”

Glimmer nodded nervously.

“Okay. Maybe we should go for a walk then? That works most times to ease it, right?”

Catra hesitated, not wanting to entertain the thought of leaving the flat.

“Come on, just five minutes.”

“It won’t be five minutes; I move at the rate of a glacial snail.” Catra glanced at Glimmer’s worrisome face. “Ugh, fine.”

It took them over twenty minutes just to get Catra out of the armchair, to the bathroom, and wrapped up ready to leave. But once they got out the lift, shuffled slowly out the building and hit the cold air, Catra couldn’t help but admit that even though these walks frustrated her, underlining how painfully sluggish she’d become, the winter sun did make her feel slightly more refreshed.

_Adora always says it’s best to get some fresh air. Anyway, you don’t want Glimmer to think there’s something up when it’s probably just nothing._

Catra tried not to think about it.

_…Though that one felt kind of different… Kind of like the one earlier._

She cleared her throat to shake the thought from her mind, threading her arm through Glimmer’s – partly for better stability in the cool wind, partly to make herself feel better about it all.

_You’ll tell her when you know for definite, of course. It’s totally fine!_

“So, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Catra’s ears pricked up as the start of a new conversation knocked her out her thoughts – _thank God for that._ But Glimmer sounded timid, quite unlike her usual self. Catra kept her voice steady, relieved to have something else to focus on to stay calm.

“Sure, what’s up, Glim?”

“Bow told me about the whole MystaCorp thing. A few weeks ago.”

_Oh._

_“_ He told me you knew. Before you offered to carry for us.”

Catra, nodded, uncertain of whether Glimmer was actually going to ask.

“What are you getting at?”

Glimmer hesitated for a second. “I was worried it’s why you agreed to do it.”

Catra frowned. “Would it change anything?”

Glimmer turned her head towards Catra in surprise.

“Oh… I guess not.” Glimmer bit her bottom lip. “But I wanted you to know that I would have never held it against him, you know, if we’d had to wait a little longer.” She waited for Catra to respond, though it never happened, “I know I’ve had my moments, but I’m not this super judgmental person. I love Bow, I’d never want him to be nervous to share something like-”

“I know, Glimmer. Don’t worry about it.”

Glimmer nodded tersely, barely reassured. “It’s only cos I know how close you two are-“

“Honestly, Glim, I don’t think that of you.” Catra caught Glimmer in her side-line of vision. She could tell how anxious her friend still was. “Anyway, it wasn’t really the reason.”

Catra’s tone was resolute – thankfully Glimmer got the message and didn’t press any further, though Catra could still feel some tension caught in her bicep. They carried on for a short while further, but the walk was starting to get wearisome; the gentle wind began to leach Catra’s energy instead of rejuvenating her, the sound of her hair whipping about her ears not helping matters. Her sore ankles objected to the burden of her heavy body pressing too much into the pavement, and it felt more obvious than ever that half her organs had been pushed out the way to make room in her small frame for the baby.

She moaned – perhaps a little too loud – in pity for herself as the ache in her lower back and thighs slinked into the forefront of her mind. This was why Catra hadn’t wanted to go out this morning, or the day before; why she’d decided just to stay in her and Adora’s safe little flat, distracting herself from everything by focusing on the final tweaks to her baby monitor project. It was easier than coming to terms with the fact that it would all be over with shortly. Even though she’d been counting down the minutes until the weight of this baby would finally be out of her, she already felt a little lonely just knowing she’d be back alone in her body soon. She’d never dare tell anyone, but that thought – that she’d once more be her own biggest responsibility – alarmed her more than the idea of the birth. 

At least airing her physical discomfort convinced Glimmer that returning home probably was for the best, and before she knew it, she was home, her bladder freshly (gloriously!) emptied, insisting that she wouldn’t fall asleep on the sofa and if she was really that tired, she would have just gone to bed.

Catra should have learned by this point that she always ended up snoozing, bed or no bed.

Her heart had beaten a little faster when she realised Adora was home, and that she and Glimmer were talking like they used to. Catra had worried that Adora had been off with just about everyone at points in the surrogacy, but it was especially painful to her that she might have come between Adora and her best friend again. It wasn’t until she heard Adora mistakenly reveal the gender of the baby inside her that Catra realised she was actually fully awake, no longer drifting between two worlds of dream and reality.

_A boy._

Of course, she’d known this child would have a sex – and in time, an identity. But knowing it made it ( _him!_ ) seem like more of a person somehow. A person who would live outside of her, away from her body and her home and from the protection of Adora’s soothing palms braced over her convex belly.

She forgot to stop the groan from bleeding out her mouth as she felt a familiar pain bear out from her lower back, wrapping around her pelvis, a little stronger than it had been a couple of hours earlier.

Catra was grateful the baby was kicking like there was no tomorrow; she didn’t even have to outright lie, letting Adora think that Braxton Hicks and foetal football practice was all there was to report.

_I just need a little more time, okay? To get used to it going back to the way it was before._

Being in her bed, returning to semi-consciousness with Adora’s cheek cradled in her hand, made Catra feel like she had a magic stopwatch, pausing the world around her – the world inside her – from its never-ending spin.

It wasn’t until a dim flash on the dresser cut through her slumber, a voice calling out too crisp and clear to be as far away as the kitchen saturating the air.

Catra nuzzled into the soft cotton of her pregnancy pillow, cursing herself for forgetting to disable the monitors. She felt even rougher than before, her REM cycle cruelly cut off mid-way. She was about to reach for her phone to shut down both the satellite cams on her app when she realised Glimmer must have gone home. It was just Adora speaking, and her voice held a sad futility she hadn’t heard in years.

“No, Mum. I haven’t spoken to her about it yet.”

_Is she talking about me?_

“Come on, what am I supposed to say? That I hate having to watch almost as much as I love her for doing it?”

Catra squeezed her eyes shut during the pause, her heart clenching sorely at Adora’s words. There was no feigning ignorance over what this was probably about. She really should turn this off now, given how important privacy and trust was between the two of them. It was partly why their relationship worked so well – they had the utmost respect for boundaries; with their histories, they’d had to.

Making the right decision was easier said than done.

“Honestly, Mum? I wish… I just wish this was for us…” Catra could have howled at how broken Adora sounded, tears burning the corners of her eyes as the suspicions that she’d purposefully suppressed for so long were unbearably proven. “I know, I know. It’ll be different after the birth...”

Catra’s thumb hovered over her phone screen in the silence as Adora listened to her mother’s response, willing herself to turn the whole thing off.

“Yes, okay, I’ll be open with her. _After_ the birth… Listen, I’m not going to say anything that’ll upset her before she delivers!” Catra was shocked that Adora sounded so angry; she’d never heard her push back against her parents before. “No, it just won’t help anyone, trust me… It’s been long enough. A week or so won’t make a difference, it’ll happen any day now.”

Almost on cue, a tight band of pain began to spread through her body, the ache in her thighs more intense than it had been before, sustaining through the peak of her contraction and after it ebbed away. Catra reassured herself that it wasn’t that bad yet, she’d still be able to breathe and talk through it if she had anyone there to say anything to. Besides, looking at the time on her phone, it had been well over an hour since the last one. She probably wouldn’t move into active labour until the following morning at least. She just had to try and get a good night’s sleep and save her energy. Tomorrow, she’d raise the alarm.

Catra finally disabled all the monitors, dropping her phone on the bedside table. She hadn’t heard much more of Adora’s phone call since the contraction had distracted her anyway. It hurt too much to think about.

_Tomorrow. Just leave everything until then._

She stroked the top of her belly, noticing how it had somehow gotten even firmer over the past day or so. She’d spared no effort for over nine months to avoid connecting with this baby too much, determined to preserve the most important bond at stake – that between him and his parents. But in that moment, cloaked in the earthy comfort of her bedsheets, the tenderness she felt between her and the child thriving inside her was too strong to ignore.

_We’re at the finish line now, kid – what harm can a quiet goodbye between old friends do?_


End file.
